I have written before about the insults of cancer. I.V.s , needles, poop tests, pee tests, anything that comes out of your body, they’ll collect it and test it. I have to take about 60-70 pills a day at four different sittings. I say sitting because you can’t really do much else when you’ve got a little dish of 16 pills that you have to gulp down. It takes concentration to dole them all out in the right amount and then take one at a time. Pill goes to tongue, water glass comes to lips, surround pill with water, swallow. Sounds simple right? Well once in a while concentration gets broken at the wrong moment and things can go really, really wrong. So I am cautious about my pill taking. You would be too.
In the past I have swallowed a little wrong and the pill scrapes my throat on the way down. It feels like a sore throat for a couple of hours. About once a day the pill just goes down wrong and I get indigestion and burps for 15 minutes.
But the worst, the absolute worst, is when a pill goes up your nose. That’s right it has happened three times now, out of several thousand pills I have consumed in the last year. It happened tonight; I was all prepped: pill on the right spot on the tongue, water in the right proportion, and the pill was on its way. Suddenly to my left someone says something that I must turn towards and that medium sized phosphorus pill goes up my right sinus hole. You know, the little tunnel that connects your mouth to your nose? It is the reason that 6th graders at the lunch table can make their friend’s milk come out of their nose if they tell a joke with perfect timing.
So the little pill goes up my nose hole and gets wedged. It is painful instantly. Stupidly, the first thing I did was blow my nose (wrong direction) thereby wedging it farther up there. Then we ran for the nose flusher. The nose flusher is one of those cold prevention gimmicks; a little plastic 2oz. squirt bottle that comes with little packet of special medicine (salt). It has a top that fits in your nostril and you squeeze the salt water in and flush the boogies out. Or in my case the Urocit K potassium supplement tablet.
The first time it happened I was home alone and had no idea what to do. All I knew is that my sinuses were on fire and something was pushing against my brain right behind my eye. After a few minutes of whimpering I remembered the sinus flusher. I went looking for it but could not find it. It is hard to look for things when you are in agony. Luckily the Chickenhawk had her cell phone with her AND knew where the thing was.
This evening she saw the look on my face and went and got the flusher for me. I flushed and I flushed but nothing would come out, well not the pill anyway. I did start to feel relief so I took a break and finished taking all my other pills. As I did, the pain welled back up and I went back to the flusher. After a few more vigorous tries, the partially dissolved pill fell into the back of my throat and the pain was gone.
Another day in the life…
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Home Soon!
It is day 46 since I had the transplant. I have been in Stanford since September 5th. Think back on what you have done since then. Me, I spent about 40 of those days in a hospital bed. I had tubes sticking out of more places on my body than I can remember. I have had more than my fair share of chest X-rays and CT scans. Suffered through mountains of pain and a sea of discomfort. I have been on death's door and recovered to the point where I can walk for 15 minutes with a cane and no oxygen. It has been a long hard road. I have had moments of pure happiness and clear gratitude. I feel so overwhelmingly lucky to have been supported so well by so many wonderful friends and family.
Today I walked the one block to the ITA using a very little 02 (2.5L). When I got there I went off of 02 and they checked my saturation. It is at 96% which means that my lungs are recovering. The doctors told me when I got to that level I would be ready to go home. So the plan is that after my appointment at 7:00AM on Tuesday, if everything is still going good, I will be discharged home!
I am, needless to say very happy about this. But there are other feelings as well. I am nervous, I have felt this way every time I have graduated to a new level; when I left the ICU and when I moved to the apartments. I wonder how I will perform. I am still really weak. I am walking, and in many ways better than when I went in to the hospital. I still have lots of fatigue. I am still dependent on help from others. I can hardly wait until I am completely self sufficient to the point where I can drive, or go out by myself. I know, I know, it will come in time.
There is more. I am going home after a long absence. Things have changed, my home is different. My family has been through a real trial. The Chickenhawk has been through every bit of hell that I have and then some more. She has managed a household, the schedule of 5 and 7 year old girls, and the volunteer schedule of 120 people. She did all this while being my primary caretaker for the last 8 months which means that she has not only been caring for me in every way thinkable. Not only that but she has been my advocate, she has learned as much as any non-medical professional could possibly learn about multiple myeloma, fanconi syndrome, diabetes insipidis, pneumonia, sepsis, BCNU induced pnumenitis, hematapoetics, the side effects of countless drugs, the inner workings of nursing staffs, the hierarchy of doctors in a teaching hospital, and the best food to order from hospital cafeterias, made countless trips up and down highway 80, returned many, many phone calls, and written countless beautiful email updates. All while watching her husband go from healthy athlete, partner, breadwinner and engaged loving father to a sickly walker and wheel chair bound invalid who cant muster the energy to play with his kids. It is more than anyone deserves to go through.
My daughters have started school and grown. I have seen them only once in 50 days. They no longer have the childhood comfort of knowing that mommy and daddy will always be there. They have had to learn the harsh lesson that sometimes mommy and daddy have to put other priorities in front of tucking them into bed every night. They know that I am mortal. This is more than a child that age deserves to go through.
Don't get me wrong, I do not feel guilty about this. It is not my fault. It is Cancer. That word, Cancer, has just become more and more evil to me.
I've got two more days here. Dad and I are having a great time. We went out for a meal today, This was first for me in months. Frankly, it was bit too much. Tomorrow Aunt Judy and Uncle Peter are coming to visit and I am really looking forward to seeing them both. I don't have to go anywhere and am looking forward to that.
The battle is not over, It is great news that I get to go home, Once I am discharged, I will have to return to Stanford weekly to visit the doctor. I don't think I'll be able to make that trip on my own any time soon, so I will be looking for volunteers to do the trip with me. Let me know if you might be interested.
Today I walked the one block to the ITA using a very little 02 (2.5L). When I got there I went off of 02 and they checked my saturation. It is at 96% which means that my lungs are recovering. The doctors told me when I got to that level I would be ready to go home. So the plan is that after my appointment at 7:00AM on Tuesday, if everything is still going good, I will be discharged home!
I am, needless to say very happy about this. But there are other feelings as well. I am nervous, I have felt this way every time I have graduated to a new level; when I left the ICU and when I moved to the apartments. I wonder how I will perform. I am still really weak. I am walking, and in many ways better than when I went in to the hospital. I still have lots of fatigue. I am still dependent on help from others. I can hardly wait until I am completely self sufficient to the point where I can drive, or go out by myself. I know, I know, it will come in time.
There is more. I am going home after a long absence. Things have changed, my home is different. My family has been through a real trial. The Chickenhawk has been through every bit of hell that I have and then some more. She has managed a household, the schedule of 5 and 7 year old girls, and the volunteer schedule of 120 people. She did all this while being my primary caretaker for the last 8 months which means that she has not only been caring for me in every way thinkable. Not only that but she has been my advocate, she has learned as much as any non-medical professional could possibly learn about multiple myeloma, fanconi syndrome, diabetes insipidis, pneumonia, sepsis, BCNU induced pnumenitis, hematapoetics, the side effects of countless drugs, the inner workings of nursing staffs, the hierarchy of doctors in a teaching hospital, and the best food to order from hospital cafeterias, made countless trips up and down highway 80, returned many, many phone calls, and written countless beautiful email updates. All while watching her husband go from healthy athlete, partner, breadwinner and engaged loving father to a sickly walker and wheel chair bound invalid who cant muster the energy to play with his kids. It is more than anyone deserves to go through.
My daughters have started school and grown. I have seen them only once in 50 days. They no longer have the childhood comfort of knowing that mommy and daddy will always be there. They have had to learn the harsh lesson that sometimes mommy and daddy have to put other priorities in front of tucking them into bed every night. They know that I am mortal. This is more than a child that age deserves to go through.
Don't get me wrong, I do not feel guilty about this. It is not my fault. It is Cancer. That word, Cancer, has just become more and more evil to me.
I've got two more days here. Dad and I are having a great time. We went out for a meal today, This was first for me in months. Frankly, it was bit too much. Tomorrow Aunt Judy and Uncle Peter are coming to visit and I am really looking forward to seeing them both. I don't have to go anywhere and am looking forward to that.
The battle is not over, It is great news that I get to go home, Once I am discharged, I will have to return to Stanford weekly to visit the doctor. I don't think I'll be able to make that trip on my own any time soon, so I will be looking for volunteers to do the trip with me. Let me know if you might be interested.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I am still in the fight
As I go back over this post I realize that my brain is not working very well at all. I have lost the ability to write in such a way that really brings my reader along for the process. I apologize. Below is what I have managed to put together for you.
I have been away from Internet accesses for a long time. After my last (2 second] post. Here is what I have done.
1.Long drive home with Granny doped out of my mind on anti nausea and dope drugs.
2. Spent several (a couple) very nauseous days at home doing daily injections to increase white blood cells for harvesting.
3. Ate very few solid foods
4.Went from too skinny 163lbs. to scary 148.
5. On Tuesday night got a fever, went to the ER at Roseville and spent Wed. thru Sat in the hospital.
The hospital was great. Lots had been going on at home. Granny had flown out to help me thought this (First) two and a half week phase of the BMT. However, before she left her hubby came down with some very scary symptoms. Granny stayed good to her word and flew out to help me thought the first part of this phase, going to Stanford for a Chemo injection. While we were in the middle of Chemo her hubby went in for a biopsy. The biopsy came back with some bad news and Granny rightfully flew home to start the hideous phase of determining how bad her beloved husbands cancer is. Right now we are waiting for more results but either way he has got cancer and my best goes out to him. No one deserves this mess and in seems more and more to me like the ones that deserves it the least get it.
Anyhow Granny leaving left us in some significant need. Her jobs was to take care of me. The ChickenHawk got on the phone and got sister Cris (aunt Cris) AKA little blue scwhinn on the message board. Cris hopped the next plane from SoCal and jumped in as full time kid wrangler. She is one of best kid wranglers this side of the Rockies. She took the kids on lots of great local outing while making sure they had lots of fun time at home. Cris you helped us immensly in a real time of need. There are very few people that could help the way you did and we can thank you enough. Mike thanks for letting her come. It was huge for us.
I started writing this post yesterday while I was having the first round of stem cells removed from my body in a process called aphersis. It took me one day. I now have a two week break before I start the process again. (A big chemo Injection) then daily injections to boost my White cells. Feeling like crap. Breathing through a filter and eating special foods.
najor nausea. This is all stuff that I have had to do for the last two weeks so I am feeling relieved that I don't have to for now.
I spend my time combating anxiety by telling myself that the fears that I feel about eating and living were created by the Chemo that I took 12 days ago. Most of those side effects are out of my body and I can live my life again. That is mostly working and with the help of Ativan I am almost all the way there. That means no more basket case until we start the whole thing over in about two weeks. That is OK I've got two weeks off. I am going to try to eat and exercise as much as possible for the next two weeks.
So right now it is very quite around the house. The kids are in Oregon for the summer and we miss them dearly. I want to take this moment to reach out an say thanks to all that have helped us so far with meals, planing, babysitting, housework, logistical support, driving, spotting me, dancing with Sarah, and so many other things. I am at a loss how to say thanks. While I was in the hospital I spent a lot of time alone and it was really good for me. I enjoyed it because I got to think of all of my friends; what you are going through right now, what you are working on, your successes, your challenges. I am really proud that I know you. You are the fuel that burns my inner fire. So do me a favor, in the next two weeks, send an email, give a call, leave a comment. I want to know what is going on with you!
Thanks for reading and again I apologize for the scattered writing
I have been away from Internet accesses for a long time. After my last (2 second] post. Here is what I have done.
1.Long drive home with Granny doped out of my mind on anti nausea and dope drugs.
2. Spent several (a couple) very nauseous days at home doing daily injections to increase white blood cells for harvesting.
3. Ate very few solid foods
4.Went from too skinny 163lbs. to scary 148.
5. On Tuesday night got a fever, went to the ER at Roseville and spent Wed. thru Sat in the hospital.
The hospital was great. Lots had been going on at home. Granny had flown out to help me thought this (First) two and a half week phase of the BMT. However, before she left her hubby came down with some very scary symptoms. Granny stayed good to her word and flew out to help me thought the first part of this phase, going to Stanford for a Chemo injection. While we were in the middle of Chemo her hubby went in for a biopsy. The biopsy came back with some bad news and Granny rightfully flew home to start the hideous phase of determining how bad her beloved husbands cancer is. Right now we are waiting for more results but either way he has got cancer and my best goes out to him. No one deserves this mess and in seems more and more to me like the ones that deserves it the least get it.
Anyhow Granny leaving left us in some significant need. Her jobs was to take care of me. The ChickenHawk got on the phone and got sister Cris (aunt Cris) AKA little blue scwhinn on the message board. Cris hopped the next plane from SoCal and jumped in as full time kid wrangler. She is one of best kid wranglers this side of the Rockies. She took the kids on lots of great local outing while making sure they had lots of fun time at home. Cris you helped us immensly in a real time of need. There are very few people that could help the way you did and we can thank you enough. Mike thanks for letting her come. It was huge for us.
I started writing this post yesterday while I was having the first round of stem cells removed from my body in a process called aphersis. It took me one day. I now have a two week break before I start the process again. (A big chemo Injection) then daily injections to boost my White cells. Feeling like crap. Breathing through a filter and eating special foods.
najor nausea. This is all stuff that I have had to do for the last two weeks so I am feeling relieved that I don't have to for now.
I spend my time combating anxiety by telling myself that the fears that I feel about eating and living were created by the Chemo that I took 12 days ago. Most of those side effects are out of my body and I can live my life again. That is mostly working and with the help of Ativan I am almost all the way there. That means no more basket case until we start the whole thing over in about two weeks. That is OK I've got two weeks off. I am going to try to eat and exercise as much as possible for the next two weeks.
So right now it is very quite around the house. The kids are in Oregon for the summer and we miss them dearly. I want to take this moment to reach out an say thanks to all that have helped us so far with meals, planing, babysitting, housework, logistical support, driving, spotting me, dancing with Sarah, and so many other things. I am at a loss how to say thanks. While I was in the hospital I spent a lot of time alone and it was really good for me. I enjoyed it because I got to think of all of my friends; what you are going through right now, what you are working on, your successes, your challenges. I am really proud that I know you. You are the fuel that burns my inner fire. So do me a favor, in the next two weeks, send an email, give a call, leave a comment. I want to know what is going on with you!
Thanks for reading and again I apologize for the scattered writing
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Getting Past the Sadness
I alluded to the fact that I have not been as prolific a writer lately in my last post. It hasn't been there for me. I realize now that is because I am chewing on some new emotional aspects of my situation. Be careful don't read any farther if you are not ready for some negativity. I think part of it comes from passing the one month mark. Part of it comes from the intense feelings that the Minga brought up for me. Overall I think it is just a new phase in the journey that I am on. It has been a phase of intense, overwhelming sadness. I'll try to relate what it is like here.
I am 41. I have been married to my wife for 18 years and with her for 20. I have two beautiful girls who are 5 and almost 7. I have lived my life as much as I could as though each day were precious and something to be treasured. I have travelled all over running rivers and having adventures. I have sailed far away seas and climbed tall mountains. I have been to places that few other people have been to. I have embodied a commitment to live my life in a way that makes me happy. But I have also lived my life as though I was going to live to be an old man.
Cancer has put an end to that assumption. While none of us really know when we are going to go out, I have had to spend some time contemplating a drastically shortened life. I don't really want to get into the medical aspects of what the survivability of multiple myeloma are, that is not the point. This is about the emotional side of cancer. I've been sitting with the feeling of not having much time left. I am not one to ignore feelings. I know that I have to confront what is going on for me in order to move past it and that has been really hard.
Lets start with the worst case scenario. What if the treatment regimen doesn't work? While this is unlikely it is my biggest fear. So what will happen to me is that I will never get my beautiful athletic body back. Pain will continue to dominate my life my condition will continue to deteriorate until I am sick all the time and then I die. While I fear this, I think it is really unlikely. I don't think it is going to go that way. I don't spend a lot of psychic energy on this fear, but it is there.
Next scenario is different. In this one the treatment works. In a year or so after chemo, a bone marrow transplant, surgery on my hip, I am back on the bike, playing with my kids and post symptom free. The median time for post treatment MM survivors being symptom free according to some statistics is about 3-5 years. So after that sort of time frame I start having symptoms again. I go back into treatment and live in the hell of treatment for some unknown period of time until I die. This is the scenario that haunts me. It is only human nature to want answers to this but the nature of the disease that I have doesn't lend itself to being predictable. And I am a unusual multiple myeloma patient. I have heard stories of MM patients that have gone through the treatment 10 years ago and are still going strong. The part of this that is hard for me is not knowing how long I've got and assuming the worst.
I have been, in my mind, picturing only a year or so of life left and trying to come to terms with that. It has been really hard. The hardest part for me is thinking about not being able to spend much more time with my girls. They are so busy and active right now and I am so feeble that I struggle to connect with them as it is. The thought of not being with them as they grow into young women is really more than I can bear at times. Not being with them for all of those landmarks of growing is so sad for me. I am sad to think that I might not be there to celebrate all of the successes just kills me. To imagine not being there to hold them when they are sad drives me insane with sadness. I am not worried about me. I am worried about what will become of them.
I have spent too much time lately thinking about that. What I have come to realize (all over again) is that I have no control over what is going to happen. Just that act of thinking about all of that is self defeating. I am killing the opportunity to have a good day right now by spending time thinking about what might happen in the future. I thought that I knew better than to go down that road but I found myself yesterday paralyzed with overwhelming sadness. I am definitely snapping out of it now. I realize that the days that I spent stuck in despair are days that I am not going to get back. Yes, it is part of my process to feel all of the feelings. I still will. But I am going to have to be more careful about going down the depression road. It just isn't worth it.
The fact of the matter is that we are all living on a short deadline. At some point we are all going to keel over. That fact is certainly up in my face right now. I am most likely not going to be old and gray with the chickenhawk but I do have today. And I am pretty sure I have tomorrow. And I'll be dammed if I am going to waste any more time. I am going to try really hard to enjoy every moment for the gift that it is.
I am 41. I have been married to my wife for 18 years and with her for 20. I have two beautiful girls who are 5 and almost 7. I have lived my life as much as I could as though each day were precious and something to be treasured. I have travelled all over running rivers and having adventures. I have sailed far away seas and climbed tall mountains. I have been to places that few other people have been to. I have embodied a commitment to live my life in a way that makes me happy. But I have also lived my life as though I was going to live to be an old man.
Cancer has put an end to that assumption. While none of us really know when we are going to go out, I have had to spend some time contemplating a drastically shortened life. I don't really want to get into the medical aspects of what the survivability of multiple myeloma are, that is not the point. This is about the emotional side of cancer. I've been sitting with the feeling of not having much time left. I am not one to ignore feelings. I know that I have to confront what is going on for me in order to move past it and that has been really hard.
Lets start with the worst case scenario. What if the treatment regimen doesn't work? While this is unlikely it is my biggest fear. So what will happen to me is that I will never get my beautiful athletic body back. Pain will continue to dominate my life my condition will continue to deteriorate until I am sick all the time and then I die. While I fear this, I think it is really unlikely. I don't think it is going to go that way. I don't spend a lot of psychic energy on this fear, but it is there.
Next scenario is different. In this one the treatment works. In a year or so after chemo, a bone marrow transplant, surgery on my hip, I am back on the bike, playing with my kids and post symptom free. The median time for post treatment MM survivors being symptom free according to some statistics is about 3-5 years. So after that sort of time frame I start having symptoms again. I go back into treatment and live in the hell of treatment for some unknown period of time until I die. This is the scenario that haunts me. It is only human nature to want answers to this but the nature of the disease that I have doesn't lend itself to being predictable. And I am a unusual multiple myeloma patient. I have heard stories of MM patients that have gone through the treatment 10 years ago and are still going strong. The part of this that is hard for me is not knowing how long I've got and assuming the worst.
I have been, in my mind, picturing only a year or so of life left and trying to come to terms with that. It has been really hard. The hardest part for me is thinking about not being able to spend much more time with my girls. They are so busy and active right now and I am so feeble that I struggle to connect with them as it is. The thought of not being with them as they grow into young women is really more than I can bear at times. Not being with them for all of those landmarks of growing is so sad for me. I am sad to think that I might not be there to celebrate all of the successes just kills me. To imagine not being there to hold them when they are sad drives me insane with sadness. I am not worried about me. I am worried about what will become of them.
I have spent too much time lately thinking about that. What I have come to realize (all over again) is that I have no control over what is going to happen. Just that act of thinking about all of that is self defeating. I am killing the opportunity to have a good day right now by spending time thinking about what might happen in the future. I thought that I knew better than to go down that road but I found myself yesterday paralyzed with overwhelming sadness. I am definitely snapping out of it now. I realize that the days that I spent stuck in despair are days that I am not going to get back. Yes, it is part of my process to feel all of the feelings. I still will. But I am going to have to be more careful about going down the depression road. It just isn't worth it.
The fact of the matter is that we are all living on a short deadline. At some point we are all going to keel over. That fact is certainly up in my face right now. I am most likely not going to be old and gray with the chickenhawk but I do have today. And I am pretty sure I have tomorrow. And I'll be dammed if I am going to waste any more time. I am going to try really hard to enjoy every moment for the gift that it is.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Cold Hard Facts: I Do Requests
In my last post I put it out there. If there is info that you want I want to provide it. My good friend Beth who moved to Napa a couple of years ago with her hubby Marco and beautiful daughter has requested to know what is really up. What the diagnosis and prognosis is. I imagine there are a few readers wondering the same thing. Honestly I am not paying much attention to long-term prognosis. I intend to set new records in that department so I don't want to even know what normal is.
Here is what I know: I have multiple myeloma and am in stage 2a. The goal is to get to where I no longer have any syptoms of multiple myeloma. I started taking thalidomide and dexamethazone (sp?) last Monday. The oncologist says I will continue with that for 3-4 months with the idea of getting my blood and bone marrow as cleaned up as possible. Once we have got to a plateau in terms of improvement of blood numbers, then I will go for a Bone Marrow (stem cell) transplant.
That BMT will be Autologis which means I will receive my own bone marrow that will be harvested from me, cleaned up and put back into me. That process will take 4-6 weeks of being in the hospital at Stanford. In order to put the bone marrow back into my body the doctors have to basically turn off my immunity so that I will not reject the new bone marrow. I will be in complete isolation for a couple of weeks while that happens. It is likely that will take place in July and August. So I wont be going to the death ride this year. I wonder how much of the Tour I'll be able to watch... I will be pretty weak and worn out after that happens so i will probably take another month or two of recovery before I am back and functioning well.
Also in the mean time: the spot that has been giving me the most pain lately is my left clavicle. I have a large hideous tumor on it and the bone is just plain coming apart. This makes it painful to carry anything. To sit up for any period of time and my back neck are reshaping around it so I am just plain in a lot of pain over this. Massage from Heather and sitting in the Hot tub have been a key in combating this.
Next week I will start radiation on that tumor with the hope of killing that particularly bad spot. I have high hopes that the bone will start to re-grow and start doing its job again but it is possible that it wont and I'll have to talk to the orthopedic surgeon about what to do about that.
Collateral Damage: Another thing that I do know is that the problems with my hip are not cancer casued. I have avascular necrosis of my left femoral head. That means there is a dime sized chunk of bone on the tip of my femur that is dead and not likely to repair itself once my bone marrow is funtioning properly. It is too soon to tell what exaclty will be done about this but I am thinking it will be a hip replacement surgery. Basically what Floyd Landis did. I'll get a metal femur head and they'll clean out the joint and put me back together so I can start training soon.
Outlook One of the things that we have learned is that survivor statistics for MM are mostly wrong and out of date since so much has been discovered about treatment and diagnosis in the last five years. They say that it is incurable but the reality is that plenty of people go years and years with out showing symptoms. That sounds like cured to me.
Moreover, I am a very unusual MM patient. I am not over 70 and black. I am at the very young range and I am much more healthy than most who get it. That is to my advantage. For example most older folks who are diagnosed with MM do not get BMTs because the risk benefit does not work well for them. My treatment is as aggressive as it gets and I am standing up for it really well thus far. Frankly, I can take a lot more punishment than I've got so far.
I try not to pay attention to the survivorship numbers because I just plain don't feel like they apply to me. I am too out of the box to start with. I plan on setting new records.
Honestly though, I have moved my mental life expectancy up. I have always envisioned growing old with the chickenhawk. I really thought that 80 or more would be how long I go. Now I don't think that. I do think it is realistic that I'll be around pissing everyone off for another 20 years or so. But who knows... No one knows. I can tell you when I am cancer free, I am unlikely to go back to the track of working full time til I am 65 and then retiring to enjoy my golden years. I want to take more of my life NOW to savor those golden moments NOW. I want to teach my girls to sail. I want to ride and paddle with my buddies. I want to enjoy sunsets. I want to serve my fellow man that I might pay back a little of what I have received through this miracle.
Any other questions from readers. Drop 'em in the comments. Thanks for that one Beth. It was good to write about it.
Thanks for reading
Here is what I know: I have multiple myeloma and am in stage 2a. The goal is to get to where I no longer have any syptoms of multiple myeloma. I started taking thalidomide and dexamethazone (sp?) last Monday. The oncologist says I will continue with that for 3-4 months with the idea of getting my blood and bone marrow as cleaned up as possible. Once we have got to a plateau in terms of improvement of blood numbers, then I will go for a Bone Marrow (stem cell) transplant.
That BMT will be Autologis which means I will receive my own bone marrow that will be harvested from me, cleaned up and put back into me. That process will take 4-6 weeks of being in the hospital at Stanford. In order to put the bone marrow back into my body the doctors have to basically turn off my immunity so that I will not reject the new bone marrow. I will be in complete isolation for a couple of weeks while that happens. It is likely that will take place in July and August. So I wont be going to the death ride this year. I wonder how much of the Tour I'll be able to watch... I will be pretty weak and worn out after that happens so i will probably take another month or two of recovery before I am back and functioning well.
Also in the mean time: the spot that has been giving me the most pain lately is my left clavicle. I have a large hideous tumor on it and the bone is just plain coming apart. This makes it painful to carry anything. To sit up for any period of time and my back neck are reshaping around it so I am just plain in a lot of pain over this. Massage from Heather and sitting in the Hot tub have been a key in combating this.
Next week I will start radiation on that tumor with the hope of killing that particularly bad spot. I have high hopes that the bone will start to re-grow and start doing its job again but it is possible that it wont and I'll have to talk to the orthopedic surgeon about what to do about that.
Collateral Damage: Another thing that I do know is that the problems with my hip are not cancer casued. I have avascular necrosis of my left femoral head. That means there is a dime sized chunk of bone on the tip of my femur that is dead and not likely to repair itself once my bone marrow is funtioning properly. It is too soon to tell what exaclty will be done about this but I am thinking it will be a hip replacement surgery. Basically what Floyd Landis did. I'll get a metal femur head and they'll clean out the joint and put me back together so I can start training soon.
Outlook One of the things that we have learned is that survivor statistics for MM are mostly wrong and out of date since so much has been discovered about treatment and diagnosis in the last five years. They say that it is incurable but the reality is that plenty of people go years and years with out showing symptoms. That sounds like cured to me.
Moreover, I am a very unusual MM patient. I am not over 70 and black. I am at the very young range and I am much more healthy than most who get it. That is to my advantage. For example most older folks who are diagnosed with MM do not get BMTs because the risk benefit does not work well for them. My treatment is as aggressive as it gets and I am standing up for it really well thus far. Frankly, I can take a lot more punishment than I've got so far.
I try not to pay attention to the survivorship numbers because I just plain don't feel like they apply to me. I am too out of the box to start with. I plan on setting new records.
Honestly though, I have moved my mental life expectancy up. I have always envisioned growing old with the chickenhawk. I really thought that 80 or more would be how long I go. Now I don't think that. I do think it is realistic that I'll be around pissing everyone off for another 20 years or so. But who knows... No one knows. I can tell you when I am cancer free, I am unlikely to go back to the track of working full time til I am 65 and then retiring to enjoy my golden years. I want to take more of my life NOW to savor those golden moments NOW. I want to teach my girls to sail. I want to ride and paddle with my buddies. I want to enjoy sunsets. I want to serve my fellow man that I might pay back a little of what I have received through this miracle.
Any other questions from readers. Drop 'em in the comments. Thanks for that one Beth. It was good to write about it.
Thanks for reading
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Stuff Items and Things
In our house there are jobs that I do, and jobs that the Chickenhawk does. We call them pink jobs and blue jobs. Before you think too hard about who does what, you have to remember that she is a chickenhawk and I am a puddin'. So if it involves tools, it is not necessarily a blue job. I take care of the bikes and the cars. I do some of the home maintenance, but the chickenhawk does most of it. The kid's bedroom door was coming apart at the seams, so Randy came over last night and hung the replacement door that we ordered a few weeks back. That was a pink job: thanks Randy for helping my wife. You are a real man!
Father in law Charlie is right now working on (what I think will eventually be a blue job) managing the chemicals on the newly installed hot tub. Thanks to Eric, Curtis, and electrician Manny for getting that going. Hot water soaks are key for managing my pain but our bathtub is too small; I can either get my legs in it or my body, but not both, and it is very very uncomfortable at this point. So I am really looking forward to the hot tub. Another example of a blue job in our family is cleaning up from dinner. The chickenhawk is a great cook -and I can burn water- so cooking is pink; cleaning dishes blue. Thanks to Nana for doing the blue dish job as of late.
Point is, there are no jobs: blue or pink, that I can do right now. My job is to be a cancer patient. Also, it doesn't pose too much of a problem to sit at the pooter and blog. I can also hold down the couch and watch the Tour of CA but that's about it. I can see a real bright side to that, like, I don't have to do sh#+!$?!?&?!
It really boggles my mind that there are dudes out there who aspire to that. What a ridiculous waste of potential. I'd easily trade with somebody. I could take some fat bastard's body, give him my pain, and then work his fat ass into shape for him, just to get my butt out there. Any of you wanna trade? Bargaining... that's one of the stages of grief isn't it?
Well, that is what I've got for today, other than to say hey to Gretchen, she gave me an awesome massage today. Very different technique, I forget now what it is called, but it is very mellow laying on of the hands. It actually got me out of my body and having full-on muscle memory experiences. I felt myself skateboarding, surfing, sailing, climbing and kayaking. I also felt myself descending a nice smooth single track mountain bike trail. My cancer body was laying on the table twitching with the memories and I would jump back into reality with the big twitches. So thanks Jane for gifting me the massage, and thanks Gretchen for taking such good care of me. It felt good to remember how I used to be.
Gratitude
Nana and Papa
Granny
The girls who could do anything they wanted for 1/2 hour today
Adam
Adrienne
Comments
My amazingly awesome community
morphine
green bud
Father in law Charlie is right now working on (what I think will eventually be a blue job) managing the chemicals on the newly installed hot tub. Thanks to Eric, Curtis, and electrician Manny for getting that going. Hot water soaks are key for managing my pain but our bathtub is too small; I can either get my legs in it or my body, but not both, and it is very very uncomfortable at this point. So I am really looking forward to the hot tub. Another example of a blue job in our family is cleaning up from dinner. The chickenhawk is a great cook -and I can burn water- so cooking is pink; cleaning dishes blue. Thanks to Nana for doing the blue dish job as of late.
Point is, there are no jobs: blue or pink, that I can do right now. My job is to be a cancer patient. Also, it doesn't pose too much of a problem to sit at the pooter and blog. I can also hold down the couch and watch the Tour of CA but that's about it. I can see a real bright side to that, like, I don't have to do sh#+!$?!?&?!
It really boggles my mind that there are dudes out there who aspire to that. What a ridiculous waste of potential. I'd easily trade with somebody. I could take some fat bastard's body, give him my pain, and then work his fat ass into shape for him, just to get my butt out there. Any of you wanna trade? Bargaining... that's one of the stages of grief isn't it?
Well, that is what I've got for today, other than to say hey to Gretchen, she gave me an awesome massage today. Very different technique, I forget now what it is called, but it is very mellow laying on of the hands. It actually got me out of my body and having full-on muscle memory experiences. I felt myself skateboarding, surfing, sailing, climbing and kayaking. I also felt myself descending a nice smooth single track mountain bike trail. My cancer body was laying on the table twitching with the memories and I would jump back into reality with the big twitches. So thanks Jane for gifting me the massage, and thanks Gretchen for taking such good care of me. It felt good to remember how I used to be.
Gratitude
Nana and Papa
Granny
The girls who could do anything they wanted for 1/2 hour today
Adam
Adrienne
Comments
My amazingly awesome community
morphine
green bud
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
HTFU
I came to recognize a couple few years ago that I am an athlete. I never thought of myself as one growing up . I always had a sport I was into but I never thought of myself as an athlete until I started road biking back in 2000. As a road biker I have learned to embrace suffering. Frankly, I started liking pushing myself to the edge of the is mentally and physical limit back in '89 when I was a firefighter with the USFS and was at the fires of '88 in Yellowstone. We worked as much as 29 hours in a shift and hiked, god knows how many miles in a day ,while eating hardly anything and digging "cutting" fireline. It was hard work. I got in shape for it by riding my bike all winter. I liked the work and the challenge but I could not stand the tweakers I was working with.
After that I got into whitewater kayaking and raft guiding. That is what lead me to the Coloma Valley. If you are a serious river runner you will eventually end up here. Maybe for a day or two maybe you will get stuck here. Coloma is to North American whitewater what Roubiax is to European cycling. To me and most of my best friends it is home. Temperate climates, it hardly ever snows and is warm during the summer. It is perfect in the summer for whitewater sports. It is a bit hot in the summer for road riding. But we are at the foot of the Sierras and all you have to do is start climbing and it'll cool off.
Whitewater is great. I'll always be a river runner. There is no where I'd rather be than nankoweap. But whitewater is not the best sport for me as the father of two girls. No matter how you slice it. You are going to be gone most of the day to go paddling and that does not work when you want to have a relationship with your kids.
So when we started having kids, I found my way back to the bike. An hour out the front door and I can get in a great work out. Two hours and I am on a good small adventure. Any more than that is gravy.
As I rode I wanted more and more from myself. Pretty quickly finishing the Death Ride became a goal. Then cutting my time down. And cutting my time down again. I never have been a good climber. I am almost always the last to the top of the climb. Nevertheless I choose a 130 mile 16,000 ft climb fest for my annual challenge. It is the suffering and the challenge that I crave. That and being out there with my friends in such a beautiful place doing something so significant yet silly.
The doctor called with the results of the Bone Scan. My bones are changing. He was really concerned with getting me in for an MRI right away. He told me, "Let me be frank with you Mr. Sorelegs, we are trying to rule out cancer." I hope you, dear reader, never have this conversation with your doctor. My MRI is scheduled for next Thursday the 31st. My plan is to call daily for cancellations. It has worked in the past. The next step after that is a bone biopsy under a CT scan so they can hit the right spot.
I am ready. Bring it on. I know how to suffer. I know how to dig deeper and I will fight. With everything I have. Others have come before me. If they can do it I can do it.
This blog was meant to be about bike riding in the place that I consider to be the most perfect place in the world. Maybe that is still what it is going to be about. For now it is about the harsh realities of an otherwise charmed and perfect life. Sit in, I'll pull.
Gratitude:
After that I got into whitewater kayaking and raft guiding. That is what lead me to the Coloma Valley. If you are a serious river runner you will eventually end up here. Maybe for a day or two maybe you will get stuck here. Coloma is to North American whitewater what Roubiax is to European cycling. To me and most of my best friends it is home. Temperate climates, it hardly ever snows and is warm during the summer. It is perfect in the summer for whitewater sports. It is a bit hot in the summer for road riding. But we are at the foot of the Sierras and all you have to do is start climbing and it'll cool off.
Whitewater is great. I'll always be a river runner. There is no where I'd rather be than nankoweap. But whitewater is not the best sport for me as the father of two girls. No matter how you slice it. You are going to be gone most of the day to go paddling and that does not work when you want to have a relationship with your kids.
So when we started having kids, I found my way back to the bike. An hour out the front door and I can get in a great work out. Two hours and I am on a good small adventure. Any more than that is gravy.
As I rode I wanted more and more from myself. Pretty quickly finishing the Death Ride became a goal. Then cutting my time down. And cutting my time down again. I never have been a good climber. I am almost always the last to the top of the climb. Nevertheless I choose a 130 mile 16,000 ft climb fest for my annual challenge. It is the suffering and the challenge that I crave. That and being out there with my friends in such a beautiful place doing something so significant yet silly.
The doctor called with the results of the Bone Scan. My bones are changing. He was really concerned with getting me in for an MRI right away. He told me, "Let me be frank with you Mr. Sorelegs, we are trying to rule out cancer." I hope you, dear reader, never have this conversation with your doctor. My MRI is scheduled for next Thursday the 31st. My plan is to call daily for cancellations. It has worked in the past. The next step after that is a bone biopsy under a CT scan so they can hit the right spot.
I am ready. Bring it on. I know how to suffer. I know how to dig deeper and I will fight. With everything I have. Others have come before me. If they can do it I can do it.
This blog was meant to be about bike riding in the place that I consider to be the most perfect place in the world. Maybe that is still what it is going to be about. For now it is about the harsh realities of an otherwise charmed and perfect life. Sit in, I'll pull.
Gratitude:
- My Life So Far
- The next steps
- My girls
- The chickenhawk
- My family
- My community
- Doctor KT
Thursday, January 17, 2008
More Tests??
Went to the old HMO today. The Orthopedeist looked at both the hip and clavicle. I've been on steroids for 12 days and off the bike for 3 weeks and the hip pain is subsiding. He thinks it bursitis as well and is going to send me for a MRI. With the collar bone he got a bit tripped out. He ordered a Xray right away. It showed poor bone density at the end of the bone and a big old hump in the middle where break healed over. I've got to go for a bone scan soon. Yikes.
The good news is that the hip is healing nicely.
Work is super busy. Interest rates are down. The yield on the 10 year bond closed at 3.62% lowest I've seen in over a year. Go refi your house if you have any equity left. You should be able to get 5.625% or so.
The chickenhawk and I made a date to got to Harbin Hot Springs next month. Looks sweet. Now I've got something to look forward to... That and a bone scan. All I can think about is going here. I haven't so much as looked at my bikes in two weeks. Imagine that.
Today I am grateful for: The fact that I have money to deal with this. The Chickenhawk and her support. The team of healthcare PROs that are working with me. My family and friends.
The good news is that the hip is healing nicely.
Work is super busy. Interest rates are down. The yield on the 10 year bond closed at 3.62% lowest I've seen in over a year. Go refi your house if you have any equity left. You should be able to get 5.625% or so.
The chickenhawk and I made a date to got to Harbin Hot Springs next month. Looks sweet. Now I've got something to look forward to... That and a bone scan. All I can think about is going here. I haven't so much as looked at my bikes in two weeks. Imagine that.
Today I am grateful for: The fact that I have money to deal with this. The Chickenhawk and her support. The team of healthcare PROs that are working with me. My family and friends.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Three Steps Backward
Whoa what a ride! Wednesday night I was feeling good. Doing a very low weight shoulder and chest work out when I tripped on a dumbbell and fell on my left knee and left hand. BAM the impact shoved the left femur head up into the hip socket. With the left hip already completely dodgy that impact sent the pain level up to 11.
I woke up Thursday AM in a ton of pain and toughed out a trip to the office for a client meeting. After the meeting went home and ate a vicodin and passed out.
Friday the valley was shaking with a big old winter storm. I was worrying about one of the big oaks in our yard falling on the house with all the wind. The Chickenhawk took me to a series of appointments starting with PT Dirk. I could barley make it up the five steps to his office. He was able to help me get a bit of the spasm out of my hip flexor and do a slight pelvis adjustment. I was waaay out of alignment.
From there I went to a Chiropractor that was a complete quack! I was there for three hours and got nothing out of it except a $300 dollar bill! It was an adventure in medicine that I will not forget. I'll write the story about it when I am a little more done being pissed off.
After that off to Kaiser for an Xray recommended by doctor KT. Results for that show negative for arthritis or bone damage. KT says I have ilipectineal bursitis. All I know is it hurts like a mofo and I cant really walk all that well. I started taking perdnisone yesterday. Yeah now I am on Steroids... look the F out.
So we get back to the house on Friday night and the power is still out and the storm still raging. All day Saturday we waited for the power to come back on. At our house no power = no water and no heat (well and central heat). I desperately need to keep warm since cold induces those dreaded muscle spasms. I spent the day under a down comforter in pile jacket and pants. It was a blur. Finally at 4:00 we bailed to warmer more comfortable digs. Best $100 I've spent in my life. Back in the day I would have toughed it out but now, I am a puddin'.
It looks like I'll be on the bench for a while. It is a real pain in the ass. Cycling is my mental outlet. It is the thing that reaffirms my humanity after the week's BS beats me down. I don't know how long I am going to be out. Right now my guess is that I might be able to do some miles in March. My big goal for the year is to race cross in the fall with a good strong run instead of a hobble.
Thanks for reading.
I woke up Thursday AM in a ton of pain and toughed out a trip to the office for a client meeting. After the meeting went home and ate a vicodin and passed out.
Friday the valley was shaking with a big old winter storm. I was worrying about one of the big oaks in our yard falling on the house with all the wind. The Chickenhawk took me to a series of appointments starting with PT Dirk. I could barley make it up the five steps to his office. He was able to help me get a bit of the spasm out of my hip flexor and do a slight pelvis adjustment. I was waaay out of alignment.
From there I went to a Chiropractor that was a complete quack! I was there for three hours and got nothing out of it except a $300 dollar bill! It was an adventure in medicine that I will not forget. I'll write the story about it when I am a little more done being pissed off.
After that off to Kaiser for an Xray recommended by doctor KT. Results for that show negative for arthritis or bone damage. KT says I have ilipectineal bursitis. All I know is it hurts like a mofo and I cant really walk all that well. I started taking perdnisone yesterday. Yeah now I am on Steroids... look the F out.
So we get back to the house on Friday night and the power is still out and the storm still raging. All day Saturday we waited for the power to come back on. At our house no power = no water and no heat (well and central heat). I desperately need to keep warm since cold induces those dreaded muscle spasms. I spent the day under a down comforter in pile jacket and pants. It was a blur. Finally at 4:00 we bailed to warmer more comfortable digs. Best $100 I've spent in my life. Back in the day I would have toughed it out but now, I am a puddin'.
It looks like I'll be on the bench for a while. It is a real pain in the ass. Cycling is my mental outlet. It is the thing that reaffirms my humanity after the week's BS beats me down. I don't know how long I am going to be out. Right now my guess is that I might be able to do some miles in March. My big goal for the year is to race cross in the fall with a good strong run instead of a hobble.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
My injury and recovery Epic
The purpose of this post is for me to acknowledge the shit that I am in right now. If you don't want to read my bitching about my body then skip this, it 'aint for you. its for me.
It has been hard for me to write about this. It is hard to fully acknowledged it for some time. I am resistant to put it into words because acknowledging it might mean that is has more power over me. Fact is it is so affecting my life that everyone around me must realize it as much as I do so I might as well just acknowledge it. The amount of pain that I've been in has really started to take a toll on me.
It is not that I am in that much pain. I mostly don't have much pain at all when I sit still it is just when I move around. Getting up and walking take mental effort to prepare for. Sit straight, straighten the back. Find a place to put the hands. Thrust the chest forward. Rise. Put full weight on legs. Wait for a shot of pain. Bear the pain. Mentally calm down the spasming hip flexor or glute or whatever and get ready too take the first step while waiting for the next shot of pain to hit the hip flexor. After that I am pretty OK to keep moving... Walking. If you can call it that. I've got this stiff backed, straight legged hobble where I lead with might right foot and left hip respectively. Being like this for day and weeks has spread to other parts of my body. My back was all racked up two weeks ago when I went to Dirk the PT's office. My left middle back was all spasmed and my right side felt like I had been kicked in the ribs. He set me straight though. The mission that week was focus on stretching the side body and ab work focusing on the right side.
I went and saw Alice the massage therapist the next week. She said that the aches and pains and sore muscles are like a toothpaste tube. When we work on one spot, the inflammation will move to another part of my body. Push here bulge there. That is really true. Lately it has been my left hip flexor that is tight and sore. So I've stretched, heated massaged... The inflammation moves out and next it is my right glute that hurts. I am chasing it all around my body. I want to just move it out! I called the acupuncturist today to try for an appointment. They are closed this week. I am ready to go back to that. Perhaps I'll right about that experience in the future. Not now.
Since I've had this blog, I've had this shit going on. I haven't written much about how I got like this because I am not completely sure what all happened. Since my primary goal in life is to get through this stage of my life I might as well explore it here.
Last Spring, in early April I was going great. I was getting real fast on the bike with a bigger endurance base than I've ever had. I was strong in the core. I could drive hard across flats while in the drops for long stretches. My climbing was getting strong. I hit my PB time on Prospector (the most difficult local climb.) I was stretching regularly and doing lots of good core work. I was going great. Then one day my neck felt sore. Then it spread to my shoulder then my shoulder because so sore I went to the orthopedist to get a cortisone shot. That helped a little. But it kept on. Of course I kept training form my big ride in July the Death Ride.
May and I was still getting stronger and doing lots of hill repeats. Then June I eased up and did easier but longer rides to consolidate my gains. I felt good but my shoulder was really really getting sore. Some where in there walking got really uncomfortable but I sucked it up and kept riding. I did yoga and got a foam roll, and started doing exercises that Dirk suggested. The shoulder started to ease up. I did death ride with my best time yet and taking 1hr of my previous best.
Then I redoubled my efforts away from training and back to healing. I went to acupuncture and PT and had massages and started to feel much better. In early August after it pretty easy, I did a 50 mile solo ride with an average speed of 19 MPH. I did a bunch of miles that week and was going great. Then in Mid August I started feeling sore. I can't actually remember how I started back then but i think it was my left hip flexor that was buggin' me.
So I went back to Dirk and he discovered that my pelvis was out of alignment. So we put it back in which is another thing I should write about separately. Then I discovered that my saddle, a WTB laser V was all collapsed on one side. I was riding around all cockeyed for god knows how long. I replaced the saddle and started doing the squats and lunges that Dirk prescribed. I started feeling better until early September when my buddy knocked me down on a dance floor. I felt my pelvis go out then and there. I went home in pain and tried to stretch my way out of it for a week before I went back to Dirk. I started on the path again... And had a series of stupid accidents that knocked me down and knocked my pelvis out again and again...
So now. My pelvis just goes out of alignment on its own with a good stretch. My challenge is to rebuild strength in my core to the point that it will hold together.
My goal now is to get pain free. To get to where I can walk normally and then, to get to where I can run. Then to race cross in the fall. Strong and fast. The hardest part right now is not knowing when I am going to be able to start real riding again.
It has been hard for me to write about this. It is hard to fully acknowledged it for some time. I am resistant to put it into words because acknowledging it might mean that is has more power over me. Fact is it is so affecting my life that everyone around me must realize it as much as I do so I might as well just acknowledge it. The amount of pain that I've been in has really started to take a toll on me.
It is not that I am in that much pain. I mostly don't have much pain at all when I sit still it is just when I move around. Getting up and walking take mental effort to prepare for. Sit straight, straighten the back. Find a place to put the hands. Thrust the chest forward. Rise. Put full weight on legs. Wait for a shot of pain. Bear the pain. Mentally calm down the spasming hip flexor or glute or whatever and get ready too take the first step while waiting for the next shot of pain to hit the hip flexor. After that I am pretty OK to keep moving... Walking. If you can call it that. I've got this stiff backed, straight legged hobble where I lead with might right foot and left hip respectively. Being like this for day and weeks has spread to other parts of my body. My back was all racked up two weeks ago when I went to Dirk the PT's office. My left middle back was all spasmed and my right side felt like I had been kicked in the ribs. He set me straight though. The mission that week was focus on stretching the side body and ab work focusing on the right side.
I went and saw Alice the massage therapist the next week. She said that the aches and pains and sore muscles are like a toothpaste tube. When we work on one spot, the inflammation will move to another part of my body. Push here bulge there. That is really true. Lately it has been my left hip flexor that is tight and sore. So I've stretched, heated massaged... The inflammation moves out and next it is my right glute that hurts. I am chasing it all around my body. I want to just move it out! I called the acupuncturist today to try for an appointment. They are closed this week. I am ready to go back to that. Perhaps I'll right about that experience in the future. Not now.
Since I've had this blog, I've had this shit going on. I haven't written much about how I got like this because I am not completely sure what all happened. Since my primary goal in life is to get through this stage of my life I might as well explore it here.
Last Spring, in early April I was going great. I was getting real fast on the bike with a bigger endurance base than I've ever had. I was strong in the core. I could drive hard across flats while in the drops for long stretches. My climbing was getting strong. I hit my PB time on Prospector (the most difficult local climb.) I was stretching regularly and doing lots of good core work. I was going great. Then one day my neck felt sore. Then it spread to my shoulder then my shoulder because so sore I went to the orthopedist to get a cortisone shot. That helped a little. But it kept on. Of course I kept training form my big ride in July the Death Ride.
May and I was still getting stronger and doing lots of hill repeats. Then June I eased up and did easier but longer rides to consolidate my gains. I felt good but my shoulder was really really getting sore. Some where in there walking got really uncomfortable but I sucked it up and kept riding. I did yoga and got a foam roll, and started doing exercises that Dirk suggested. The shoulder started to ease up. I did death ride with my best time yet and taking 1hr of my previous best.
Then I redoubled my efforts away from training and back to healing. I went to acupuncture and PT and had massages and started to feel much better. In early August after it pretty easy, I did a 50 mile solo ride with an average speed of 19 MPH. I did a bunch of miles that week and was going great. Then in Mid August I started feeling sore. I can't actually remember how I started back then but i think it was my left hip flexor that was buggin' me.
So I went back to Dirk and he discovered that my pelvis was out of alignment. So we put it back in which is another thing I should write about separately. Then I discovered that my saddle, a WTB laser V was all collapsed on one side. I was riding around all cockeyed for god knows how long. I replaced the saddle and started doing the squats and lunges that Dirk prescribed. I started feeling better until early September when my buddy knocked me down on a dance floor. I felt my pelvis go out then and there. I went home in pain and tried to stretch my way out of it for a week before I went back to Dirk. I started on the path again... And had a series of stupid accidents that knocked me down and knocked my pelvis out again and again...
So now. My pelvis just goes out of alignment on its own with a good stretch. My challenge is to rebuild strength in my core to the point that it will hold together.
My goal now is to get pain free. To get to where I can walk normally and then, to get to where I can run. Then to race cross in the fall. Strong and fast. The hardest part right now is not knowing when I am going to be able to start real riding again.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Friday Jibberish
Well, Its been a busy week in Puddinville. The pain has been washing over the body from the hip flexors to the back and ribs to where from day to day I couldn't tell you which was worse. It was one of those steps backwards in the two steps forward and one step backward recovery that I have been running lately.
Went and saw PT Dirk yesterday and sure enough my pelvis was back out of joint again. I didn't have to crash off my bike or anything glorious for it to happen. My torso is so mushy right now I can pull the pelvis out by stretching too hard. Nice. I've been avoiding ab work because the ribs have been hurting. That is starting to improve; I did limited mobility ab work last night to isolate the rib cage away from the pain and it seemed to be OK. I feel better today. The left hip flexor is still painful and weird. I wonder if the pelvis has already pulled out of join since yesterday. I am so paranoid right now...
Lots going on in the world. Too much to comment on all of it. The Fed seems like it is hell bent on pushing the bubble off the cliff. Bush seems like he is still unwilling to take responsibility for anything he does. The Dems are still afraid to stand up to the Reps. And the whole world is in deep doo-doo.
I hope I can get on my bike this weekend and forget about it all for a while.
Link Dump:
Residential Wind Power: NY Times
Holyer than they: Times
Worth Listening or reading: Al Gore Nobel Laureate
Up to the moment: Cross Nats
Went and saw PT Dirk yesterday and sure enough my pelvis was back out of joint again. I didn't have to crash off my bike or anything glorious for it to happen. My torso is so mushy right now I can pull the pelvis out by stretching too hard. Nice. I've been avoiding ab work because the ribs have been hurting. That is starting to improve; I did limited mobility ab work last night to isolate the rib cage away from the pain and it seemed to be OK. I feel better today. The left hip flexor is still painful and weird. I wonder if the pelvis has already pulled out of join since yesterday. I am so paranoid right now...
Lots going on in the world. Too much to comment on all of it. The Fed seems like it is hell bent on pushing the bubble off the cliff. Bush seems like he is still unwilling to take responsibility for anything he does. The Dems are still afraid to stand up to the Reps. And the whole world is in deep doo-doo.
I hope I can get on my bike this weekend and forget about it all for a while.
Link Dump:
Residential Wind Power: NY Times
Holyer than they: Times
Worth Listening or reading: Al Gore Nobel Laureate
Up to the moment: Cross Nats
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Black Mood
Two weeks since the last time my pelvis went out of joint. I've still got a lot of pain today. I haven't walked normal for months.
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I took yet another Alleve today. God knows what it is doing to my kidneys. Such a hard call, to try to move the inflammation out medically and speed the recovery or tough it out and wait for the pain to go. Life without pain is becoming more of a memory than a reality. I am believing in it less and less.
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens ev'ryday
Days of spending hours in the saddle sweating, rolling, pushing power into the pedals. It is like a distant hope. I'm trying to look forward to it. Trying to count my blessings. It is just hard. I feel like I am missing crucial part of my life by staying off the bike.
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black
My gut is starting to get fat. My legs are loosing their muscle and definition. My max heart rate is dropping by the day. Fitness is going away. I know I can get it back. I look forward to working on it. I just wish it could be now.
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not forsee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I'd like to top out a big climb feeling strong and ready for a couple more. I'd like to take a sprint once in a while. I'd like to feel like the cookies I am eating were earned. I'd like to come back from a big training ride and eat the frickin kitchen.
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
I wanna see it painted black, painted black
Black as night, black as coal I wanna see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I took yet another Alleve today. God knows what it is doing to my kidneys. Such a hard call, to try to move the inflammation out medically and speed the recovery or tough it out and wait for the pain to go. Life without pain is becoming more of a memory than a reality. I am believing in it less and less.
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens ev'ryday
Days of spending hours in the saddle sweating, rolling, pushing power into the pedals. It is like a distant hope. I'm trying to look forward to it. Trying to count my blessings. It is just hard. I feel like I am missing crucial part of my life by staying off the bike.
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black
My gut is starting to get fat. My legs are loosing their muscle and definition. My max heart rate is dropping by the day. Fitness is going away. I know I can get it back. I look forward to working on it. I just wish it could be now.
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not forsee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I'd like to top out a big climb feeling strong and ready for a couple more. I'd like to take a sprint once in a while. I'd like to feel like the cookies I am eating were earned. I'd like to come back from a big training ride and eat the frickin kitchen.
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
I wanna see it painted black, painted black
Black as night, black as coal I wanna see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Two Steps Forward...
Yesterday went home feeling like a million bucks. I spent an hour during lunch at the gym doing squats, lunges and hip ab/aductors and a bunch of Yoga. I told the Chickenhawk that I was feeling the best I've felt in months. The next time I say that I wouldn't be surprised if I immediately fell on my ass and broke my leg or something. Note to self... Don't say that anymore!
So this morning David joins me for the regular lake ride. Coming into a corner we miscommunicated about which way we are going and he takes out my front wheel. I unclipped in time to put a foot down and landed on my right hip. I tell ya! that is the fourth time something like that has happened in as many months. It didn't really hurt at the moment and now 4 hours later i still feel OK but I suspect the pelvis is back out again. I'm going to see Dirk to get my body checked out yet again. Hopefully I'll move through this quickly and keep on with my low key training for now.
Of Note: After 7 years and god knows how many miles of road riding, this was my first time to touch the pavement on / from a road bike.
So this morning David joins me for the regular lake ride. Coming into a corner we miscommunicated about which way we are going and he takes out my front wheel. I unclipped in time to put a foot down and landed on my right hip. I tell ya! that is the fourth time something like that has happened in as many months. It didn't really hurt at the moment and now 4 hours later i still feel OK but I suspect the pelvis is back out again. I'm going to see Dirk to get my body checked out yet again. Hopefully I'll move through this quickly and keep on with my low key training for now.
Of Note: After 7 years and god knows how many miles of road riding, this was my first time to touch the pavement on / from a road bike.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Welcome to Mountain Biking Kid
They say that in road biking if you crash often you are doing something wrong and with Mountain Biking if you don't crash fairly often you are not trying hard enough. Well I did not have that in mind when I took my kids out for their first mountain bike ride last weekend.
Daughter 1 who is 6 just learned to ride a two wheeled bike just three weeks ago. Daughter 2 and I have been shredding on the tag-a-long bike for a year but #1 never really took to it. She is a control freak at an early age. Well, D1 has at least 5 miles and 30 hours of riding under her belt it is time for her first Mountain bike ride.
We headed out on Sunday to a local trail. There is a loop that the chickenhawk and I can do in about 10 minutes if we hurry. Single track contours around a big hill most of the way. There is very little elevation gained or lost and the trail mostly smooth packed dirt. Mostly.
Rolling out the girls were amazed by the amount of horse poop on the trail. I had to talk to them about not yelling about it every time they saw the stuff. After about 10 yells in .5 mile it was getting old. We rolled along through the woods. Me leading with D2 on the tag-a-long with D1 on her hand me down single speed 12incher with some sweet coaster breaks brining up the rear. I keep talking to D1 as we go, "Are you OK?"
"Yes Daddy."
"Are you having fun?"
"This is great Daddy!"
"Are you back there?"
"Wait up Daddy."
And so it went for a mile or two. Then we came to a small downhill. The kind that would make a rather boring single track ride interesting. Maybe 10 feet of elevation lost in 30 horizontal feet, and there are some small rocks exposed.
I slow down and start yelling for her to slow down. Stop at the bottom, yell warnings again, and here she comes full speed no brakes. She bumps down the incline and crashes and burns at the bottom. Daughter 2 and I set the bike down and run to her. D2 starts talking about the cut lip. I dont see it. I just hold her to my chest in my best daddy bear hug. After a minute I hold her away a little and see she's has got a fat lip and about 1/8th of a thimble full of blood.
Disaster narrowly averted. We regroup and the trouper D1 gets back on her 12incher and rides the 1.5 mile back to the car. The crying kept going for a while but afer she started focusing on the riding she was laughing again.
We stopped for popsicles on the way home. I figured the cold would be good for the swelling and we all needed a little treat. I've got some tough kids, they must have got it from their mother.
Daughter 1 who is 6 just learned to ride a two wheeled bike just three weeks ago. Daughter 2 and I have been shredding on the tag-a-long bike for a year but #1 never really took to it. She is a control freak at an early age. Well, D1 has at least 5 miles and 30 hours of riding under her belt it is time for her first Mountain bike ride.
We headed out on Sunday to a local trail. There is a loop that the chickenhawk and I can do in about 10 minutes if we hurry. Single track contours around a big hill most of the way. There is very little elevation gained or lost and the trail mostly smooth packed dirt. Mostly.
Rolling out the girls were amazed by the amount of horse poop on the trail. I had to talk to them about not yelling about it every time they saw the stuff. After about 10 yells in .5 mile it was getting old. We rolled along through the woods. Me leading with D2 on the tag-a-long with D1 on her hand me down single speed 12incher with some sweet coaster breaks brining up the rear. I keep talking to D1 as we go, "Are you OK?"
"Yes Daddy."
"Are you having fun?"
"This is great Daddy!"
"Are you back there?"
"Wait up Daddy."
And so it went for a mile or two. Then we came to a small downhill. The kind that would make a rather boring single track ride interesting. Maybe 10 feet of elevation lost in 30 horizontal feet, and there are some small rocks exposed.
I slow down and start yelling for her to slow down. Stop at the bottom, yell warnings again, and here she comes full speed no brakes. She bumps down the incline and crashes and burns at the bottom. Daughter 2 and I set the bike down and run to her. D2 starts talking about the cut lip. I dont see it. I just hold her to my chest in my best daddy bear hug. After a minute I hold her away a little and see she's has got a fat lip and about 1/8th of a thimble full of blood.
Disaster narrowly averted. We regroup and the trouper D1 gets back on her 12incher and rides the 1.5 mile back to the car. The crying kept going for a while but afer she started focusing on the riding she was laughing again.
We stopped for popsicles on the way home. I figured the cold would be good for the swelling and we all needed a little treat. I've got some tough kids, they must have got it from their mother.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Pain: tolerable but not high.
I don’t want to start at the beginning because it is too long ago after all I am 40 years old. And that is a big part of the problem. My body is just plain not what it used to be. I could go on with the catalog of stuff that hurts for too long. I’d rather focus on the recovery and come back.
My goals for the winter are:
1. To be pain free.
2. To be able to run.
3. To go in to next year with good base fitness.
I got to this miserable place in part because I have been pushing through too much pain. So now I don’t trust myself to not go too hard.
My PT rocks! He really has helped me through these weird injuries I keep getting. I asked him yesterday how much pain I should allow myself to ride with. He says, “it is probably not a good idea to try to push through the pain but to keep it a tolerable (but not high) level.”
So I’ve got a mission. I’ve got to drive to ride for a while so I can ride flats. It is all climbing in my neck of the woods. So it is off to Lincoln on Sunday. I’ll see if I can get any of the veloloco boys to go with but I’m not holding my breath
My goals for the winter are:
1. To be pain free.
2. To be able to run.
3. To go in to next year with good base fitness.
I got to this miserable place in part because I have been pushing through too much pain. So now I don’t trust myself to not go too hard.
My PT rocks! He really has helped me through these weird injuries I keep getting. I asked him yesterday how much pain I should allow myself to ride with. He says, “it is probably not a good idea to try to push through the pain but to keep it a tolerable (but not high) level.”
So I’ve got a mission. I’ve got to drive to ride for a while so I can ride flats. It is all climbing in my neck of the woods. So it is off to Lincoln on Sunday. I’ll see if I can get any of the veloloco boys to go with but I’m not holding my breath
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
