Paris Roubaix

CORRECTION: Show time for Paris Roubaix is next Sunday APRIL 20th at 1PM. Apparently there is some sort of Tennis event that versus deems to be more important. So we will have to wait a whole week to see the race. The real question is will you be able to keep from finding out who the winner is so that you can watch the race on TV and be surprised? Not me. On the bright side that gives them a whole week to work on the production quality which has gone downhill in the last couple of years.

Sunday is Paris Roubaix which sound like no big deal to a non cycling sports fan but for a cycling fan this is the equivalent of the Super Bowl or a Heavy Weight World Championship bout. It is arguably the hardest one day endurance event race that is done.

I could try to write about it but there is no way I can do it justice. You can go here to read about this year's race. In a nutshell it is a 259 km (168mi) race over roads that date back to the roman empire. In fact 50+ km of this years race will be over stone cobbles. All this on skinny tired road bikes. It is an all out battle of strength and determination and only the guys that can go really fast under very adverse conditions while also making good tactical decisions stand a chance of doing well. This year should be extra exciting because the forecast for the area is cold and rain with possibly even some snow!

Showtime is 4pm Eastern time on Versus if you get it. If you don't find a friend who does and bring over a six pack of Belgian beer and some sausages. This will be the race to watch this year.

Hamster Training

We were chatting last night about running on treadmills. The C/H was relating the story of her recent first experience with a treadmill at the local gym. It sounded pretty much like something out a Chevy Chase Saturday Night Live opening scene. But it also got me thinking about the difference between runners and riders. Now I used to say that the only thing that would make me run is if something was chasing me. However in the pre-diagnosis months where my body was deteriorating one of my goals became to run with out pain. It is still one of my goals. But for all intents and purposes I am not a runner. I am a rider. Running bores me, it hurts, you don't go very far, and it is hard on your body.

I do have lots of friends who are runners some of them very accomplished runners and I have the utmost respect for runners. I am married to one. I do appreciate the simplicity of running. It is the way that the original humans got around when they were in a hurry. You don't really need any special gear and it is ultimately pure as a form of recreation. It just doesn't float my boat.
However it seems to me that runners are more likely to be willing to or even enjoy running indoors on a treadmill while listening to their Ipod. The cycling equivalent of this is riding rollers or a trainer which is a different story all together. Most of the complaints that I have about running, indoors or out, are the same complaints about riding indoors. It is boring, you don't go anywhere and it hurts much more so than a regular ride because you sit in the same position for the whole "ride." Now I have spent more than my fair share of rime on the trainer. After all I am an avid enthusiast who cant stand to get out of shape in the winter months so usually around Mid December I start building base miles on the trainer and work up to my first round of intensity traning by early February all on the trainer if weather doesn't permit. But I will bend over backward to ride outdoors even in the winter. I don't mind riding in the cold or the wind. I like riding in the rain but I cant do it everyday. I am usually limited by daylight hours in the winter. But come this time of year, the trainer is put away and I gets my mile on the road.

But then there are those runners, who continue year round, to run on their hamster wheels at home and in the gym as if being outside is a problem. Seeing the wildflowers bloom is a drawback and staring at a wall and having nine inch nails blaring in your ears is the shizzle. I don't get it. What is up with that? Do you not want to be outside because you might sweat. Or because someone might see you? Or you are too tempted by running past the Starbucks? Perhaps because running is so damn boring to begin with, it doesn't really matter if you are staring at a wall or running around your neighborhood.

OK I've lit the fuse let the debate explode. Comment below.

But First: check out this link about How to talk to people who have cancer . Most of what it says is right on the money. I've got to say that insisting that everything is going to be OK is really annoying. It is already way not OK but it is what it is. And unsolicited advice can be really frustrating as well, I cant physically do all of the things that I have been advised to do, there are not enough hours in the day. I love you all and I know that you are well meaning and I would rather have all that than no communication. I know it has got to be really hard to reach out to someone like me because it brings you up against your own fears and discomforts but I appreciate any and all communication. I read all of my email even if I don't reply and if you make a gaff, I wont hold it against you. I love you for trying, that is really what counts.

Now chime in: trainers vs. treadmills, indoor vs. outdoor.
Thanks for reading

Getting Past the Sadness

I alluded to the fact that I have not been as prolific a writer lately in my last post. It hasn't been there for me. I realize now that is because I am chewing on some new emotional aspects of my situation. Be careful don't read any farther if you are not ready for some negativity. I think part of it comes from passing the one month mark. Part of it comes from the intense feelings that the Minga brought up for me. Overall I think it is just a new phase in the journey that I am on. It has been a phase of intense, overwhelming sadness. I'll try to relate what it is like here.



I am 41. I have been married to my wife for 18 years and with her for 20. I have two beautiful girls who are 5 and almost 7. I have lived my life as much as I could as though each day were precious and something to be treasured. I have travelled all over running rivers and having adventures. I have sailed far away seas and climbed tall mountains. I have been to places that few other people have been to. I have embodied a commitment to live my life in a way that makes me happy. But I have also lived my life as though I was going to live to be an old man.



Cancer has put an end to that assumption. While none of us really know when we are going to go out, I have had to spend some time contemplating a drastically shortened life. I don't really want to get into the medical aspects of what the survivability of multiple myeloma are, that is not the point. This is about the emotional side of cancer. I've been sitting with the feeling of not having much time left. I am not one to ignore feelings. I know that I have to confront what is going on for me in order to move past it and that has been really hard.



Lets start with the worst case scenario. What if the treatment regimen doesn't work? While this is unlikely it is my biggest fear. So what will happen to me is that I will never get my beautiful athletic body back. Pain will continue to dominate my life my condition will continue to deteriorate until I am sick all the time and then I die. While I fear this, I think it is really unlikely. I don't think it is going to go that way. I don't spend a lot of psychic energy on this fear, but it is there.



Next scenario is different. In this one the treatment works. In a year or so after chemo, a bone marrow transplant, surgery on my hip, I am back on the bike, playing with my kids and post symptom free. The median time for post treatment MM survivors being symptom free according to some statistics is about 3-5 years. So after that sort of time frame I start having symptoms again. I go back into treatment and live in the hell of treatment for some unknown period of time until I die. This is the scenario that haunts me. It is only human nature to want answers to this but the nature of the disease that I have doesn't lend itself to being predictable. And I am a unusual multiple myeloma patient. I have heard stories of MM patients that have gone through the treatment 10 years ago and are still going strong. The part of this that is hard for me is not knowing how long I've got and assuming the worst.



I have been, in my mind, picturing only a year or so of life left and trying to come to terms with that. It has been really hard. The hardest part for me is thinking about not being able to spend much more time with my girls. They are so busy and active right now and I am so feeble that I struggle to connect with them as it is. The thought of not being with them as they grow into young women is really more than I can bear at times. Not being with them for all of those landmarks of growing is so sad for me. I am sad to think that I might not be there to celebrate all of the successes just kills me. To imagine not being there to hold them when they are sad drives me insane with sadness. I am not worried about me. I am worried about what will become of them.



I have spent too much time lately thinking about that. What I have come to realize (all over again) is that I have no control over what is going to happen. Just that act of thinking about all of that is self defeating. I am killing the opportunity to have a good day right now by spending time thinking about what might happen in the future. I thought that I knew better than to go down that road but I found myself yesterday paralyzed with overwhelming sadness. I am definitely snapping out of it now. I realize that the days that I spent stuck in despair are days that I am not going to get back. Yes, it is part of my process to feel all of the feelings. I still will. But I am going to have to be more careful about going down the depression road. It just isn't worth it.


The fact of the matter is that we are all living on a short deadline. At some point we are all going to keel over. That fact is certainly up in my face right now. I am most likely not going to be old and gray with the chickenhawk but I do have today. And I am pretty sure I have tomorrow. And I'll be dammed if I am going to waste any more time. I am going to try really hard to enjoy every moment for the gift that it is.

Quick Update

I know I haven't been writing as much as usual. I am not sure why. Maybe I am just not feeling as inspired. We went to the Oncologist yesterday for my monthly checkup. It was not very hopeful. The thing that he is tracking is my plasma cells. Thus far there has not been a very big improvement. That is disappointing news but there are things to consider in there. Plasma cells are the slowest to grow and will be the slowest to react to the treatment. Also, it is really too early to expect a major change or to say that there is a trend.

Going to the oncologist is a stressful event. You never know what the news is going to be and it usually hits like a ton of bricks. We had a busy day scheduled with a trip down to the hospital and then rush back home to pick up the kids. No time to process the harsh news. As a result last night was pretty stressful around the house. Kids screaming, parents yelling and lots of crying. Lesson learned. Next time we go to the oncologist we will schedule the rest of the day away from the kids so we can assimilate then news.

Thank goodness Bill decided to drop by and check on us. He helped put the kids to bed and stayed late chatting and cheering us up.

So in a month we'll go for another checkup. And we'll see where I stand from there.
I am working on another post that I'll try to get out soon.
Take care everyone.

Minga

Hey There,
The chickenhawk and I just got my Internet connection back on line! It is so good to be back. I had thought about doing a post today (April 1) where I tell everyone that I have been faking all along, that I don't have cancer and I was just taking a couple of months off of work and getting all my friends and neighbors to do all my cooking and house work and my coworkers to do all my work for me. But honestly that just feels too frivolous right now.

The reason that the computer was off line is that on Saturday we had a Minga which is an ancient concept from pre-Inca Times, not different than a barn raising where the community comes together to do a major work project. About 50 people came from as far away as Marin County and Bend OR to help with the work. In four hours more than a year's worth of work got done. A swing set got moved to a newly flattened and terraced spot on our property. An 8'x16" shed got moved via trailer across the property. That allowed for the creation of a garden fence and eventually some raised beds. The volunteers also made two mini patios out of broken up concrete. They deep cleaned the interior of the house including the fridge, windows, toys, all dust bunnies the eaves of the house the gutters.

To say the least the amount of work that got done was amazing! It really is one of those things that you would have to see to believe, but picture 50 people all working in small groups in a focused way on multiple small projects that were in many ways interconnected with the a bigger project. Each of these groups had a leader and then there were a couple of overall project leaders that coordinated with an overall plan. It seemed to me as an observer that each person had a job that they understood and that they were engaged with what they were doing. Everyone seemed to be having fun, joking and laughing, focusing on their work and enjoying the afternoon.

I watched for a while but pretty quickly I became overwhelmed and went and took a nap. When I awoke at 5PM the work was winding down and the party was beginning. Scooter had coordinated the potluck. One thing about a Coloma pot luck is that the food is almost always excellent. This was no exception, chicken, brats, burgers on the BBQ, salads of all types, pasta dishes and of course deserts. And, of course, beer.

The previous day (Friday) was my youngest daughters birthday. Matt and April had made her two amazing "treasure chest" birthday cakes. The kids had spent the day at our next door neighbors house playing in their yard and being watched by a gang of adults and older kids. In the afternoon Tiffany came over with her horse and all of the kids got to go for horse rides! Many folks brought gifts for our daughter and by 7PM she was falling asleep while eating her birthday cake. I think she was just as overwhelmed as I was.

My brother Billy was visiting from Arizona. It was really great to see his reaction to what was happening. It is hard to describe the sense of community that we here in LoCo valley feel for one another but the Minga on Saturday was a great example of it. He was pretty amazed by how many people were here and truly working hard to get a job done. No BS just focusing on getting a job done.

For my part it is hard to describe how I feel. Mostly I feel overwhelmed. With Gratitude. But there is something else. Did you ever see the movie Saving Private Ryan. I think when most people think of that movie they remember the unbridled violence and honest depiction of war. But, do you remember the message of the movie? At the end of the story after many people have been killed in an attempt to save this one guy's life, the squad leader turns to private Ryan and as he is dying tells private Ryan to "earn it, you go forward into your life and you earn it." I don't know how I will earn it. I feel deeply indebted to so many people for helping me and my family out. I feel more than that though.

I feel as if my family has grown. It used to feel like, there way me and the C/H and the kids then the extended family of parents and uncles and cousins and so on. It is different now. Everyone that has stepped up and helped out feels like they have a place in our family and that I would do anything in my power to help any one of them out in any way that I could. Another one of the blessing of cancer.

I want to say thanks here. I know that I am not going to remember everyone and I apologize but here goes.
Billy, Adam, David, Tommy, Terry, Bill, KT, Patrick, Matt B, April, Stuart, Eric and Moira, Bill and Robin, Matt S. and Mary, Barbara, Bikes Gone Wild (yes he was here), Jim and Weston (thanks for being my oldest best friend I love you Jim) , John Luana Elise and Alexis, Patty, Scooter, KD and Judy, Cindy, Tiff, Bobby, Marek, Seth and Noel, Phil, Jen and Randy,
I know I am forgetting you and I apologize, I will add more names as they come to me. It is time for my nap. More soon!

The Other Cyclist with Cancer

The other day pedaldork, one of my favorite commenter's wrote,

"Spence, At one time I admired Lance Armstrong for the way he took on cancer.
I must say though, you have now taken his place. I never thought someone I have
never met could make such a difference in the lives of others. You're definitely
making a difference in mine. I'm looking forward to riding with you in the near
future. Keep fightin' and writin'. God Bless"

I have to say that was a huge compliment that went straight to my head. It is also not the first time that I have been compared to Lance Armstrong. I've got to say that I have terribly mixed feelings about Lance and I thought I would try to hash them out today. A few months ago Elden, AKA Fatty over at Fat Cyclist made what I thought was a great point. He said in a nutshell that he is no fool, which any of us who read his blog know, and that it is pretty clear that Lance either has absurdly super human powers or he was cheating by using EPO Human Growth Hormone and god knows what else when he won 7 Tours de France in a row. There is no solid evidence to support that except for this. Every single competitor that was on the podium with him and most of the competitors in the top 10 have all been either busted for doping or have been implicated in doping scandals. Now Armstrong pretty much rode circles around those other racers who we now know were doped to the gills. That just seems too unlikely that Armstrong was not doping.



Elden went on to say that none of that matters to him as his wife Susan is battling cancer. The amount of help that the Lance Armstrong Foundation has given to his family overrides any ill feelings he may have toward Lance as a racer and representative of the cycling community. I would like to at this point to echo that sentiment. The LAF has been instrumental to my recovery in many ways, in particular by providing the Lotsahelpinhands website tool that allows us to schedule and match all of my families needs with all of our volunteers.



I still feel the need to say more about the subject. First of all there is more damming evidence against Armstrong. A number of his team members from back in the days of US Postal Service have come forth and admitted to doping and talked about a culture of doping on the team. Armstrong has lashed out at any accuser with lawsuits and threats and reprisals. And on a more personal level, Lance left Sheryl Crowe about two weeks before she announced publicly that she had breast cancer.


As a fan of professional road racing I have to acknowledge that the sport has come a long way in the last couple of years and seems to be making great progress at confronting the problem of doping head on. More so than any other professional sport. I am very proud of teams like Slipstream Chipotle and CSC that are trying hard to confront the doping problem head on. But I fear that there is another shoe to drop in the doping wars. That shoe is the eventual discovery that Armstrong was doping all through the seven years that he won the TDF. I fear what will happen to the sport that I love when that happens.


I have never met Lance Armstrong but I have read most of his books as well as a couple of books about him. From what I have read I am a very different person than him. First off I am a puddin'. Even if I had the physical attributes that it would take to win the Tour De France, I certainly don't have the attitude. I enjoy life too much to devote 100% of it towards a single goal. As a parent I could never spend the months away from my children that he did to win those races. It would just be too much for me.



But as a cancer survivor I understand the urge to fight. With everything that I have. I will use any and every drug that the doctors suggest to fight this disease. I will do everything in my power to win against this evil infection and show it that I am tougher than it. In sporting, there is a limit to what someone will do to win when you cross a certain limit, you are cheating. But when it comes to cancer, there is no cheating. There is only winning. I must win. The only other choice is death. So I will do whatever I have to do to win. I will feel done with the cancer battle not when the doctor tells me that I am in remission; but when I have regained my pre-cancer level of fitness. I anticipate that will take a couple of years from now. So at what point am I cheating, if I am still using medical enhancements to reach that goal?



I am a 41 year old man with the judgement and wisdom of someone that has lived that long. I will be very very tempted to use whatever I can to get back to that level of fitness. When Lance battled cancer he was in his 20's and doping was at its peak in pro-cycling. Cycling was also his ticket out of a hardscrabble existence in the forgotten backwoods of Texas. It is widely known that many of the performance enhancing drugs that cyclist use to boost their blood are the very same drugs that cancer patients use for the same end. The temptation must have been very very strong for him.

People are unique, we all experience life in different ways. Having cancer is for anyone a major life experience. Each cancer patient has a different way of reacting to the challenge. My belief is that the world is a safe place and that good will come from this experience. That belief has already gotten me a long way through the experience. I have an incredible support group the likes of which I doubt anyone has ever had. And I have already been given so many gifts. The result is that no matter how I am feeling, I wake each day with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that gets me through each day. I do see getting through cancer as a battle but not in the sense that you might think. I see it as a battle of attitude. It is so very important to me that my attitude stay positive, that I continue to value the things that are important to me, that I continue to see the world as a safe place and that I continue to care about the welfare of my family and community. If cancer takes that away from me then I will lose the battle. I don't want to make a judgement about how anyone else chooses to deal with cancer but I think that attitude is quite different than the way that Lance chose to fight cancer.

When I am back on the bike, I will proudly ride in LAF events and will raise money for the LAF. I will work on my own to support my community in hopes of giving back what I have received. I take comparisons of myself and Lance Armstrong as compliments, after all he is the poster boy for beating cancer. With that said, I see myself as a very different person than Lance. I see my attitude toward life as very different than Lance. I see my battle with cancer as being very different than Lance's. I just want to get through this with as much panache as possible, to share the experience with as many people as possible in hopes that others will learn and grow from it. When I am done, I want to give back as much goodness as I have received through the process.
I don't really know if any of this makes any sense but, there it is.
Thanks for reading

Get Out There

Yesterday was perfect. One of those spring days that makes the Lotus Coloma valley simply one of the most beautiful places on the face of the earth. Mount Murphy is blanketed with California poppies and there are wildflowers out everywhere you look. The Live Oaks and Black Oaks are budding out new leaves that glow in an almost fluorescent green. The air temperature was about 75; perfect riding temperature and the river was up to about 2500 cfs which is a perfect play level. If you live in the valley you know what I mean. If you don't please disregard everything you've read. All there are here is angry hillbillies and trash heaps. It is a desolate wasteland that is much too far from the shopping malls and Starbucks and there is never "anything happening."

It seems not so long ago that a day like this would be all I would need for an excuse to get out and enjoy. Somewhere along the way things like paying mortgages and health care bills, meeting deadlines and closing deals became more important. Now I see the error in my way. The fact is that we are all living on a finite schedule and at the end I am going to measure our life not in the things that I have acquired or the amount of money I have made but in the experiences I have had and the differences I have made in other peoples lives. I can not make a difference in someone else's life unless I am centered. The way that I get centered is to enjoy perfect moments. Days like yesterday and today are so conducive that perfect moment that there should be NO excuse not to get out and enjoy them.

You may be reading this right now and thinking yeah sounds good but I a have got to do XYZ thing or else blah blah blah. Well you may be right but I would encourage you to ask yourself what will really happen if you take the day or the afternoon or morning off? I mean really what would happen? There is someone willing to watch your kids or do a trade with you. Your clients will either not know or understand that you need to take some time for "personal issues." Your work will not bust you for taking a sick day. I can guarantee that all that crap that you are working on will still be there when you get back and the only difference is that you will be refreshed and ready to go to work instead of surfing over to the puddin' cyclist to see what I am rambling about what you watch the clock tick down til quitting time.

So call your friends, make a plan and get out and enjoy. While you still can. Go race each other up prospector before sunset. Go paddle chili bar and hike up and sit in the poppies and feel the warmth soak into your cold body. Go for a hike with the kids and the dogs at Cronin Ranch. Go up the hill for one last slush session at Sierra at Tahoe. Go take the boat out on the lake for an early season ski session. Go out and whack the ball. Sit under your favorite oak tree, contemplate and meditate. Run the Monroe Ridge trail. Go ahead, I give you permission. Your spouse will understand. The people around you will appreciate it because you will mellow out a bit and god knows you need it.

Do this and I promise you this, you will be happier and better for it, and you will feel better than those who choose not to do it.

Report back here and tell me what you did.