Shit, and piss, and phelgm

Fuck Cancer. Fuck cancer for rippin’ my life apart. Fuck cancer for taking away the time that it has stolen, and fuck cancer for taking away the normal course of my life and time with my family.

Yeah, I’ve had to give up a lot to be a cancer survivor. They say there is a silver lining to every big sickness, and well, I see good things that have come from this but nothing that outweighs what I have lost.

I’ve been in the hospital since the 5th of September and the vast majority of the time has been really rough.. Been in the ICU since the 26th and I haven’t stood up since probably the 25th, just haven’t been out of bed.

The whole time I have been here I have someone by my side. Sarah then Beth Rypins for a day then Katie Rutherford was with me during the worst time, the lowest of lows. Then brother Bill arrived as I started to improve and he did wonders to improve my attitude. After Billy, Adam showed up and kept that good energy flowing. Adam has been a great friend and has been a real source of great strength for me. So after feeling some real lows I am finally on an upswing. I am sitting up, having conversations. In fact I am dictating this to Adam and that shows that I can almost form a clear thought.

I see the next big challenge as working on physical strength and I’m really nervous about it. I wanna find out how low I’ve gotten and I’m afraid of all the work I am going to have to do to build back up. I already feel like I’ve done a lot of hard work and that’s going to be even more hard work.

This has been unbelievably hard, the hardest thing I have ever done, beyond my imagination. I don’t think I could have done it without the support of my family and my incredible friends. Right now I am looking at the photo taken at my going away party. It is a blown up group shot and I see it as just a portion of the people caring for me but representative of all the people who are involved. It feels like you have all watched me thru all of the moments of shit, and piss, and phlegm, and suffering. I can always feel the gaze of everyone as I have gone thru all of the suffering. It feels like an amazing supply of love and support. They give me a lot of drugs around here as you can imagine, but that photo has been the best drug of all.

Adam and I have been having a great time with political discourse. Here’s the room rule…anyone who comes in, nurse or doctor, is immediately grilled by Adam as to who they are going to vote for. If they say Obama they can stay, and if they say McCain they are gonna get the boot. As a barometer we haven’t had to boot anyone yet.

The staff care has been amazing. Love and concern, and friendliness. Woman like Marika, Julie, Dana, Brandy, Cathy, Crystal, Shannon, Inna, and C.C.


Today is a landmark day. If everything goes right I am moving out of the ICU to the BMT Unit. New place new rules. The great thing about the BMT unit is that they are specifically designed to take care of people who have my condition. Goodbye catheter and goodbye to a bunch of wires that are coming out of me.