Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Shit, and piss, and phelgm

Fuck Cancer. Fuck cancer for rippin’ my life apart. Fuck cancer for taking away the time that it has stolen, and fuck cancer for taking away the normal course of my life and time with my family.

Yeah, I’ve had to give up a lot to be a cancer survivor. They say there is a silver lining to every big sickness, and well, I see good things that have come from this but nothing that outweighs what I have lost.

I’ve been in the hospital since the 5th of September and the vast majority of the time has been really rough.. Been in the ICU since the 26th and I haven’t stood up since probably the 25th, just haven’t been out of bed.

The whole time I have been here I have someone by my side. Sarah then Beth Rypins for a day then Katie Rutherford was with me during the worst time, the lowest of lows. Then brother Bill arrived as I started to improve and he did wonders to improve my attitude. After Billy, Adam showed up and kept that good energy flowing. Adam has been a great friend and has been a real source of great strength for me. So after feeling some real lows I am finally on an upswing. I am sitting up, having conversations. In fact I am dictating this to Adam and that shows that I can almost form a clear thought.

I see the next big challenge as working on physical strength and I’m really nervous about it. I wanna find out how low I’ve gotten and I’m afraid of all the work I am going to have to do to build back up. I already feel like I’ve done a lot of hard work and that’s going to be even more hard work.

This has been unbelievably hard, the hardest thing I have ever done, beyond my imagination. I don’t think I could have done it without the support of my family and my incredible friends. Right now I am looking at the photo taken at my going away party. It is a blown up group shot and I see it as just a portion of the people caring for me but representative of all the people who are involved. It feels like you have all watched me thru all of the moments of shit, and piss, and phlegm, and suffering. I can always feel the gaze of everyone as I have gone thru all of the suffering. It feels like an amazing supply of love and support. They give me a lot of drugs around here as you can imagine, but that photo has been the best drug of all.

Adam and I have been having a great time with political discourse. Here’s the room rule…anyone who comes in, nurse or doctor, is immediately grilled by Adam as to who they are going to vote for. If they say Obama they can stay, and if they say McCain they are gonna get the boot. As a barometer we haven’t had to boot anyone yet.

The staff care has been amazing. Love and concern, and friendliness. Woman like Marika, Julie, Dana, Brandy, Cathy, Crystal, Shannon, Inna, and C.C.


Today is a landmark day. If everything goes right I am moving out of the ICU to the BMT Unit. New place new rules. The great thing about the BMT unit is that they are specifically designed to take care of people who have my condition. Goodbye catheter and goodbye to a bunch of wires that are coming out of me.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Spence,

Your post is fierce. I love it. All piss & vinegar. Couldn't agree more with how this bitch of a disease has robbed you.

Hopefully no longer. Call me naive but I am an optimist on this one. You have been through too much.

I am sad I can't get in my car & come see you (I am a tailless wonder now). Driving is excruciating but when you come back I will be there to rebuild. We can do it together. A motley duo we will be but we'll do it.

I am so amazed by you every day. I'll be waiting. The terrain is much more flat in our new spot so consider it a challenge for the future.

Keep the fire. If Obama doesn't win, I'm headed to Canada. The Canfield/Rubin gang is welcome to join us.

Much, much love,
Noey

Amanda said...

no words... You are so strong. I imagine the indignities and pain are just too much, and yet you keep moving forward.

Best of luck. Best wishes. I wish we were closer so i could hold your hand, do something real. But, you reap what you sow. And you have obviously sown good wishes, friendship, love and support. Honestly, it is an inspiration to my life to reach out more, be friends more.

Hang tough!

Heather Brooks Freer said...

You're kickin' ass, Spencer. Your family is, too! Glad to hear that voice again!
Can't wait to see you,
H

Anonymous said...

He's baaack....with a vengeance!

Love ya Spence!

Anonymous said...

Dont be pissing off the nurses they might force you to watch football.
Mike D

Anonymous said...

Stay focused and positive...you CAN and WILL get through this!!

Anonymous said...

I think I'll vote for McCain

hee hee

Love,

Granny

Anonymous said...

Can I send this post to McPalin?? I think s/he needs to know what s/he's up against.

Rock on Spencer!

Kate

hannaham said...

HI Spencer,
The Pecci's are checking in. We have been technically challenged for awhile and haven't been online. It's nice to read you blog's and catch up with you and your family. We are here for you although under the radar at times. and "YES" on "OBAMA", Peace. H,B,H&B... ~

Judi said...

Hiya Spencer,

You sure do have a lot of fire burnin' up inside. That's a GOOD thing cuz you're still fighting that fucking shit cancer. I am glad to see this post and glad they are moving you out of ICU - hope that is done by now. I hope you are feeling better - soon you'll be home again and even sooner you'll be back to normal. I am always thinkin' the best for you.

xxoo-
judi - your blogger friend...

p.s. seems everyone is CA is voting for Obama.

bikesgonewild said...

...you, sir, have to be one of the toughest s-o-b's i've ever heard of...

...a good number of my friends have had various forms of this ugly disease & have come through & recovered after having had their ass kicked, all by different degrees of difficulty...

...but i have never seen someone who was so healthy initially, go through so many up & downs, so many constantly scary crises, so many mind sapping, body robbing, tear your guts out, fucking (sorry granny) disappointments, over & over again & yet have the spark, the balls, the fortitude & the wherewithal to keep their shit together (sorry kids) & stay focused, stay so positive & have so much to give back, through the whole damn process...

...wow...amazing spencer...

...i spoke briefly w/ adam when he was down there w/ you & the outlook seems better & stronger than ever before & good lord, man, you deserve that so much at this point...

...just keep kickin' ass, man...your old time, long time friends, your newer, on-line-ier friends, people you've never met before, all just want you to just WIN, SPENCER, JUST FREAKING WIN...

Anonymous said...

i would rather do time than live in a mccain presidency...
freer

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad we can now use the F word.........
yeah FUCK CANCER, FUCK THAT SHIT!!!
Good to hear there is plenty of fire burning in you. Let's go for the final attack and let us know how we can support you. You are amazing!
Love, pantani.
PS: can't understand why you dislike the pig with lipstick.....

Anonymous said...

not all your well wishers have the same political views...but, hey...it's your blog...so blog blog blog....

glad you're feeling feisty...

continue the fight!