Google's spell checker is on the blink today so I apologize for bad spelling:
Ocassionaly I seem to hit a nerve. I'll try to keep it up. I am refering the comments generated by my last post. Click on that and read if you want this to make any sense. The Lance/ doping thing really sticks with me. As a cancer survivor he is a very important role model for me. In so many ways I emulate what he has done. I want to give back and to support those with cancer. I like the mission of the LAF, they helped me immensly. I also want to make a comeback to being an athlete and he has shown me that it can be done. I apperciate his work ethic and determination.
I just think that eventually the other shoe is going to drop and it will become clear that everything he has done on a bike is a lie. (I already believe that.) So I am in a wierd place, feeling ripped off and inspired at the same time. It is about the difference between choosing to believe to keep from being disappointed and believing what I see and reconciling the difference.
Lance is almost not real. I mean really, he is a BRAND. He has approached his whole career that way. There is merchandise. There are millions in endorsments. He creates a small industry by existing. There are numerous people that make a living off him. All of those people are invested in the lie continuing.
Then there is addiction. Imagine the feeling of being Lance. Incredible power on the bike, you are untouchable in the mountains. You win the biggest race in the world. You get power, money and the adulation of the masses. Everything tells you that you are the greatest. For someone with and addictive personality, this is a recipe for substance abuse. It allows the person to hide from their true demons in a warm fuzzy glow. And the man has demons; he grew up without a father, angry and abandoned. I can easily see how long term use of perfomance enhancers would change your opinion of yourself. Eventually I can see believing that the enhanced performance is coming from me and my training rather than the needle. It would just become a part of you.
When you strip away the BRAND of Lance Armstrong you get a man. A man like everyone else with faults and strenghts. That is what I can accept. I see a man in turmoil fighting like a gladiator to maintain a lie. Ultimatley that lie is a lie he is telling himself. We all do that. Unfortunatley that is how we keep from growing as indviduals. So I take the man and see him for what he is (in my eyes). I still hold him as a role model. I also feel sad for him and wish him healing and inner peace. I have an autographed Lance Armstong picture that I count as a prized possesion.
OK I think I can be done with this topic. I just needed to wrestle with it a bit, thanks for humoring me.
In recovery news: I went to Stanford yesterday. Mary was so sweet to drive me. The appointment went really well. The Doc said I am looking great and recovering as expected. I don't have to go back until the 19th (three weeks)!!!! I am tapering prednisone (steroid) I have been on a pretty high dose and it is one of those things that you cant quit cold turkey. As a result I have had some moments of incredible fatigue that sometimes is accompanied by anxiety or mood swings. Not fun! Those are my complaints. Mostly I am feeling really good and better daily.
Thanks for reading.