Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Big Eddy

You can tell something is up when I am not blogging. Either that or life is too boring. I've got a combo of that going on right now. I went back into the big house, that's what I am calling the hospital now, on June 13th. I had a fever and bad cough all weekend so I went and checked in with Pneumonia. I got rid of that in four days and went home. Since then I have been battling fevers, fatigue and lung issues. I believe it is toxicity induced pneumonitis, something that is a rebound from last september's bone marrow transplant. The treatment is prednisone and that is what I am doing with tacit doctor approval. They have not officially diagnosed it yet but it makes the fevers go away and I can deal with life a bit better. My lung capacity feels like it is at about 20%. I can walk, slowly. I went down our road (a fairly steep hill) and it took me about 20 minutes to hike back up with about four stops to catch my breath. I used to be able to ride up that hill in the mid gears. I am a long way from that now.

There is more to this. For the last 4 weeks I have been mostly in the house feeling sick and debilitated. The kids are out of school and the ChickenHawk is wrangling them really well. They have gone on camping trips and have been playing in the pool. I have been trying to participate as much as possible but I don't have enough energy for camping and much of the time all I can do is watch or, just go take a nap. This is a hard place to be. It is like looking at my life through a glass wall. I am painfully aware of my absences as a father and a husband. It drives me nuts.

Work is kind of the same thing. I want to be there doing my job but I just cant quite muster the health or the energy for the last week. I am almost there but not quite. And the illness is not really being treated yet, just diagnosed, it is not feeling like I am moving forward. I feel like I've been stuck in an eddy for a month.

All of this brings me to a realization. My life has changed in so many ways that I often don't feel like it is my life. What I mean is that the transition from normal person to cancer patient to recovering cancer patient has got my head spinning. I need to embrace the latest version of me and stop worrying about how I used to be. To that end, I am in search of cancer support groups and friends that have been through what I have. I need some new peers for this unwanted identity.


Anonymous said...

Oh Buddy, been thinking about giving you call, saying hi and checking in on you. I know you will continue to fight. Your words are so eloquent and your process so wise, it's hard for me to make any comment. Sending you love, prayers and clean ocean energy. Love to you and the girls.

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you Spencer. Your plan makes a lot of sense. Keep taking those steps forward . . .