Sunday, March 16, 2008

Out of the Cave for the Moment

It has truly been the worst week yet. It started with Nausea that I wrote about. We got that more or less under control with prilosec and so I have been feeling less like barfing all the time. I started radiation treatment on the tumor on my clavicle on Thursday. On Thursday night I noticed an increased level of pain in the clavicle but thought not much of it. On Friday I went for my next radiation treatment and everything went just fine. I woke up on Saturday in an incredible amount of pain. It is hard to describe the pain but it felt like a broken bone x10.

Daughter one and two had both come down with symptoms of strep throat so the chickenhawk took them down the hill to kaiser for diagnosis. While they were out my pain started to really build. Granny was with me and doing her best to take care of me but all I could do was lay there and moan. They came home with antibiotics and the C/H clicked into taking care of me mode. She called doctor KT who made yet another house call. She sat by my bedside and kept giving me more and more liquid morphine until the pain got to a bearable level. Finally I felt good enough to watch Fight Club on the little DVD player. What a great movie. The whole day yesterday is a blur. I just remember being in pain and watching the movie and that is about it. I did do lot of fantasizing about riding my mountain bike and sailing in the Sea of Cortez. I think the pain is related to the radiation treatment so I am going to talk with the doc about discontinuing it.

I hate the end of the day the most. It seems like that is the time of day when I focus the most on my plight. People always give me great feedback about my positive attitude and I do feel like I am mostly positive but when it is time to go to bed I often just feel terrible. My body has been hijacked and I'm only a small bit of the way through the battle to get it back. Sometimes I just cant believe that I have to keep going through this. It is a really long and hard battle and there aren't really any breaks just weird semi-comatose sleep that is hard to wake up from. So last night I broke down and cried again before I went to sleep.

I woke this morning and the sun was out and the pain had subsided. I am completely exhausted to the point where I am having trouble keeping my eyes open to write this post. At least there is a lull in the battle right now. That's all I've got for now. I'll try to write something witty and insightful next time.
Thanks to everyone who is helping in so many ways.

14 comments:

lisa parks said...

Hey Spence- I just want you to know that my heart, love and support are with you. Anything at all I can do, I'm here. Hang tough my brother. xo

Pedaldork said...

Spence, Thanks for writing the update. Though I don't know you personally, I think of you often. I can't even imagine the thoughts you go to sleep with. Keep hanging tough and fighting the good fight. This probably sounds pathetic but your strength is an inspiration. Hang tough man and stay focused on beating this thing.
God Bless.

Traci said...

Hi Spence! We are finally, definitely, flu-free now... I hope the girls sore-throat strep wasn't that (or the beginning of the flu, which is how ours started).

i was thinking about you and sarah last night, and St. Pats last yr. looking forward to a few "happy hours" when you are feeling a bit/ALOT better.

in the meantime, sounds like starbucks is the drink of choice. i'll be calling to see if you have a drink order this coming wkend...

we are thinking about you every day!

love,
Traci, Mateo and Chris

Anonymous said...

You don't know me but I've been reading your blog for quite some time thanks to Fatty's link to you. I can't imagine the pain you're in and the despair you must feel with your body. Just know that there are people out there who are thinking of you and praying that you heal quickly. Hang in there!

Tina C.

ray said...

Spencer,
In the midst of it all,know this:
We're with you,
We're for you,
We love you,

Ray and Cathy

XCTiger said...

End of the day, and the coming of night can be real tough. You're tired, run down from fighting all day, and likely at your weakest. Even for those of us not dealing with the mega-issues you're living with on a minute-to-minute basis that can be the roughest part of the day. The fact that you're thinking about trying to be witty and insightful says you're a whole lot stronger than you might be feeling during the weak times. Hang in there, and remember all of us strangers out here in your web-community are think and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there bro,
our love and prayers for you.
pantani

bikesgonewild said...

...the focus of your life has changed, so you change your parameters until things come around...

...your truth, your ability to love sarah, the girls & your immediate family & friends hasn't changed, maybe just the ability to show it in the ways you're all used to...it will come back around when you're over the worst of this...

...& you are right, you've got a long hard road yet to go...never feel selfish about protecting your 'core'...
...we're all here to help when we can...

Anonymous said...

Spence, I always knew you were a winner. You are the current and forever Lido Champion of Huntington Harbour. We won the final regatta in 1981. I have sent you a picture of the trophy that is hanging in HHYC.
Good luck with the challenge we are both facing.
Roger

Anonymous said...

Get to echelon alongside your cluster for another 3 months, friend. Got a clean MRI report yesterday at Stanford. Trusty driverboy was there, also. Don't worry.....let us do that. Lean on me. I'll keep the rack from falling on us this week. See you tonight....

Judy H said...

Hey Spence,
I know this is the last thing on your mind but wanted you to know I've redesigned our real estate/lending blog (tell me if you like it) and Matt is going to blog in your place until you are ready to come back to work next year. I think he'll do a great job. Now we need to get our readership going. When you're feeling up to it could add us to your blog list?
Love to you, S and the girls. Hope to "borrow" them when they are feeling better. And remember, I'm usually around so if there's an emergency don't hesitate to have S call me.
Judy

Tourmaline OTC said...

Okay, I just can't write fluffy stuff. I remember laying in an ICU sometime back with two broken legs, a broken pelvis, crappy hospital food, a little blonde brat of a physical therapist that would come in and say "up wis yor leg.." and I couldn't get the damn thing to twitch. I remember going to sleep at night, in pain, saying goodbye to my athletic career and wondering what the heck the future had in store. It sucks and people who say it builds character should be dragged behind a Mt. Bike. But I still to this day (despite my pitiful physical condition) am planning a comeback. I'm on my 11th, I think. So keep planning yours and remember that it is OKAY to be unconscious some days. I am still looking forward to meeting that 90 pound blonde PT on the street one day so I can really show her what "up wis yor leg" means now. Stay strong, keep fighting and remember: Anger=piss and vinegar. (see previous post) We love you and won't let you get all sappy....
T
"don't get mad, get ahead"

Judi said...

I am going to ad another story Spence. I went to see my friend from HS on Tues. He was in a car accident and can't feel from the chest down. He can't move his arms but a tiny tiny bit. He's pissed at the world too. His g/f died in the crash.

Life is cruel, it's a bitch, but you HAVE TO FIGHT to win. You WILL win.

xxoo to you and Sarah,
Judi

Sorelegs said...

Ugh Judi, That is sooo hard. I feel pretty damn lucky compared to him. Life is a bitch but it is also awesome.