Monday, March 30, 2009

Well... where do I start. I got home from the big house, the kaiser hotel, the hospital on Friday. It was another week long stay. The boredom was grinding, the procedures were disgusting and kicking morphine was a nightmare approaching the worst thing I have ever done.

I am tired as all hell. I've lost about 10lbs that I didn't have to lose. Fitness is back in the toilet. I got out of breath fixing a flat on the Chickenhawk's mountain bike.

I did get my long lost sense of smell back. Funny though, I can only smell one thing and I smell it all the time. It sort of smells like electrical fire.

As you might guess, I am filled with mixed feelings.
  • I am off of morphine and anti depressants.
  • I am home.
  • It is spring in the foothills, and all those other life affirming things.
  • On some level, I want morphine.
  • I now feel the highs and lows of life. The lows are dark and evil. The highs are great.
  • I have taken a big step backward in my ability to function.
  • Despite the above, my expectations of myself are high
  • I can take 10 mgs of ambien and still not sleep.

It is all temporary. I am in the moment, this is just another step forward, even if it feels backward.

OK I have a big list of stuff to get done. Thanks for reading


Bill said...

Hang in there ... I hope the future brings something more enjoyable. It is frustrating as hell to not be able to sleep and the lack of it makes things real bad.

Heather said...

oy. step by step, eh? these ones sound painful but still more of them headed in the right direction...

bikesgonewild said... are a strong man, will succeed...

...breath deep...take your time...

Anonymous said...

That is an achievement to kick morphine! I know people that have been trying for decades.
May you keep your strength and determination.

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you fratello
love pantani