The Big Eddy

You can tell something is up when I am not blogging. Either that or life is too boring. I've got a combo of that going on right now. I went back into the big house, that's what I am calling the hospital now, on June 13th. I had a fever and bad cough all weekend so I went and checked in with Pneumonia. I got rid of that in four days and went home. Since then I have been battling fevers, fatigue and lung issues. I believe it is toxicity induced pneumonitis, something that is a rebound from last september's bone marrow transplant. The treatment is prednisone and that is what I am doing with tacit doctor approval. They have not officially diagnosed it yet but it makes the fevers go away and I can deal with life a bit better. My lung capacity feels like it is at about 20%. I can walk, slowly. I went down our road (a fairly steep hill) and it took me about 20 minutes to hike back up with about four stops to catch my breath. I used to be able to ride up that hill in the mid gears. I am a long way from that now.

There is more to this. For the last 4 weeks I have been mostly in the house feeling sick and debilitated. The kids are out of school and the ChickenHawk is wrangling them really well. They have gone on camping trips and have been playing in the pool. I have been trying to participate as much as possible but I don't have enough energy for camping and much of the time all I can do is watch or, just go take a nap. This is a hard place to be. It is like looking at my life through a glass wall. I am painfully aware of my absences as a father and a husband. It drives me nuts.

Work is kind of the same thing. I want to be there doing my job but I just cant quite muster the health or the energy for the last week. I am almost there but not quite. And the illness is not really being treated yet, just diagnosed, it is not feeling like I am moving forward. I feel like I've been stuck in an eddy for a month.

All of this brings me to a realization. My life has changed in so many ways that I often don't feel like it is my life. What I mean is that the transition from normal person to cancer patient to recovering cancer patient has got my head spinning. I need to embrace the latest version of me and stop worrying about how I used to be. To that end, I am in search of cancer support groups and friends that have been through what I have. I need some new peers for this unwanted identity.

Back in the Boat

Hey Y'all. Once again I've been gone way too long but I've been busy. Not sitting around in pain and a fog of morphine. I have crossed over to feeling more recovered than recovering. My weight is back on, I've gone for a couple of easy bike rides. Moreover I am back running whitewater in my kayak! I cant tell you how much better it is to be sitting in a little boat than a hospital bed. I am not strong at all but my time in the boat has built good technique so I can fake it. I still have the goal of Leadvillle 100 at some point in the next couple years but for now running Chili Bar is the best.

Things round the house are getting better. It has been a dog tough year and a half for all of us. The level of PTSD that we have been feeling is decreasing. We are planning vacations and enjoying each other's company again.

Work is great. I am getting back into the swing of things and reconnecting with old friends that started as clients. In fact kayaking and work seem to coincide... The other day I was paddling with two different friends that started as clients. Thanks for the paddling Ray and Traci.

Gratitude is the name of the game. I feel good almost all the time, even when I feel bad. I had a headache this morning and I didn't really care. I have had a cold for a week or two and I don't really care. I am alive and there is so much to do! Anyone want to go paddling? Drop me a line. I'll try to get some paddling pics to post

Back to Work

I am back at work! In many ways it has been a great homecoming almost more like coming home than coming home was. I am constantly counting my blessings that I work in such a great place. They held my office and job for me while I took 14 months to fight cancer. My co-worker Matt kept in touch with all of my clients and helped them when they needed it. To me that was one of biggest gifts that I have ever received.



I work as mortgage consultant for Bentley Mortgage and Real Estate Services. I have to say that I picked the best possible 14 months to take off of work. Everyone that isn't living under a rock knows, the mortgage and housing industry did almost the same thing I did; It took a trip to the brink of death and then started to come back again. Thanks to the efforts of the Obama administration and sagging economy, business is back up for us. I returned to a busier office than I have seen in several years.



Much like myself the industry has changed as well. The mortgage industry was suffering from lack of regulation greed and the bad behavior that comes with a lack of discipline. I think of it like a room full of 5th graders when the teacher leaves for too long and there is an unlimited supply of candy in cupboard. Some of the kids are going to take full advantage of the situation to do whatever they want to do. Other kids are going to behave the way they know they should and just wait for the teacher to come back.



Now the teacher is back and she brought the principal and the superintendent of schools and the school board and they are doing a study as to why the kids acted the way that they did. They have cracked down and reinstated all of the rules that they should have been enforcing in the first place, plus some more that don't make sense. The thing is, anyone knows what happens when you leave a group of kids alone in a room with no supervision and lots of temptation.



I was there for the end of the party and missed the big bust. Now, as I come back, all the rules have changed and I have to re-learn my job. The basics are all the same but there all sorts of new nuances. Of course, that follows the same theme that I have been living since the Bone Marrow Transplant. I have new body as well. It is 30 pounds lighter, significantly more weak, and can't remember random things.



I also have a fairly new outlook on life. I've always been grateful for what I've got. Now I am even more that way. I also am living life day to day, moment to moment, doing what I can, when I can and trying to do my best at everything. Even though I am in remission, I will most likely die from complications from multiple myeloma at some point. Maybe next year, maybe 20 years from now. The point is, I (just like you) have a limited amount of time left in this life and I am more aware of that now.



I am all about quality time. Time with my kids. Time with my friends. Time doing things for myself. Time helping other people. Time enjoying the beauty that the universe has to offer.

Thanks for reading

Installing Love

I just picked this up as an email from Phil and Mary. I am not the kind to forward cute emails but I had to share this one, it is just too good.

"The Installation of Love"Installing Love on the Human Computer: Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided toinstall Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell mehow?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have beencompletely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself beforeyou can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming.Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.
God/Tech Support: You're welcome, anytime.

In other news. I have started working again. Mostly mornings. I tfeels great to go back into the office. I am feeling good and sticking with the workout plan.

Back Home

I am back in Coloma and it is good to be home. I am trying like heck to stay with the fitness plan that I started in AZ. Lifting weights, walking and yoga. I feel like I am getting stronger. I can finally pick my kids up. I went to work yesterday and plan to on Monday and Tuesday as well. My stamina is good. I can keep going all day as long as I am doing easy stuff most of the time. I feel like I can kiss day time TV goodbye. That is a wonderful thing. My yard needs weed whacking in a big way. Anyone want to trade weed for weed whacking? There is no way I can do it myself. It used to wear me out before I got cancer. I'm not even gonna touch the weed whacker.
Life is good. I am living day to day and having a great time. We'll see what's next.
Thanks for checking in.

You Got to Move

When the Lord Gets Ready,
You Got to Move.

I'm In Tucson hanging with my Mom in her retirement community. It is great she lives on the border of the desert and there is all kinds of wildlife. We just got back from the gym where I was whaling on my pencil thin arms bony shoulder and scrawny back. My goal: to look good naked. Just like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. I love that movie. Not sure how many times I've quoted it here but it must be a lot.
Who'd believe that this is my life up until now? Cancer survivin' is a real pain in the ass but it lets you get away with all kinds of mischief as well. I wish I could tell the stories here but I wont. Ask me offline.
I am doing really really well. I walked about a mile this AM! I could have done more. What is for lunch?

I think it is going to take me at least another year to get into shape at this rate. Leadville beckons.

Gratitude Again

After spending another week in the big house and taking a big step backward in my fitness I was feeling really angry, really depressed. It probably didn't help that I was kicking morphine and anti depressants at the same time. I was pissed off at everyone and everything last week. Especially myself. Then I heard a story about a guy that has terminal cancer. He lives somewhere in the middle of the Nevada desert off the grid, by himself. His prognosis is that he should have died two years ago. He is a medical and spiritual miracle. He is happy. He is ready to die. He is at peace and grateful for what he's got.
That used to be me. I lost it somewhere along the way. The anger and self pity took over. When I heard that guy speak I realized I have not been myself. I had forgotten to count my blessing instead of my problems and pains. Once I realized that it was an easy shift back to being me. I am the luckiest man in the world. I have the best family and community that a man could hope for. I have a second chance at life. I have a body that works. I am not in pain. What else is there?
What are you grateful for?
Goal: Leadville 100 not sure what year, anyone wanna do it with me?