I was just reading my little bio up there in the right hand corner of the page. "....fighting cancer so I can get back to all that stuff." What high hopes! My life has changed and changed permanently. I've got to change that bio. The truth is I am feeling ripped off, angry and sad. This weekend was a big freakin' let down. I had really fun events scheduled for both days and have been looking forward to them for a month or so. Instead I spent the weekend contemplating my mortality and feeling like poop. I am feeling a lot better today, no fever, cough is getting better blah blah blah ok it is good news. See my last post for explanations
Getting sick means another management issue. Another doctor that I have make appointments with, another set of meds to take. These IV antibiotics I am taking take me an extra 20 minutes 3x a day and not when I take my other meds. That means an extra hour a day of dealing with meds. Luckily it doesn't go on forever.
I am feeling ripped off from getting to live a "normal" life. I have to live the life of a cancer survivor. All the work, pain, constant vigilance, the lack of security about the future (both immediate and long term) are starting to wear on me. The luster of leaving the hospital is fading and the transition to life in general is kicking my ass right now. I get a lot of positive feedback from all of my friends about how I remain so positive, and I appreciate it. But jeeez my attitude sucks right now. I know that is OK. My plan is to roll with it until the wheels fall off of that ugly huffy.
Yesterday the IV that I inject the meds through needed to be redone. That means I have to call a home health nurse to do it. It is great that they come to me! The alternative would be an ER visit. So the nurse drove an hour from Roseville, started the IV looked at it with an "oh shit" look and said, "I just used the wrong IV." She pulled the needle out, went to the car to look for the right equipment and returned empty handed 20 minutes later. She drove all the way to her home in Folsom (45 min one way) got the right thing and drove back. I felt bad for her. But I was really feeling bad for me.
That's all for now thanks for reading
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The Best of Puddin'
About Me
- Sorelegs
- 42 Year Old father of 2. Endurance athlete, cancer survivor recovering from a stem cell transplant. Living life in the Gold Country of California and working as a mortgage consultant.
11 comments:
...feeling a bit choked up reading your blog today, spence, & it's all very understandable, so i'm just gonna say "love ya like a brother"...
It sucks Spence, all of it. But you are doing it. I am sad for the setback and know how this community is celebrating your gains. But the bottom line is it sucks and I hope you purged some of it by writing and that tomorrow will be better. We do love you & you are the ultimate fighter!Noey
You looked great this afternoon Spence and it's not how you feel, it's how you look and you look Mahvelous! I know my crappy sense of humor does nothing for you right now but I'm going to share it anyway because inappropriateness is what I'm all about some days. Also, I just want to remind you that Kaiser has been pumping toxic chemicals into your body for a year and you are still standing, and not only standing, breathing, living but giving Cancer the finger. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and while the saying may get old over and over, keep filling your cup with that particular flavor of piss and vinegar. Winter Solstice 2009. I'll be there. And you will get back "to all that other stuff" if you want to. It may not be tomorrow and it may not be Wednesday, but it will be. Period. It's not the Mountain in front of you, but the sand in your shoe. Stay strong and wake up to a brand new day tomorrow. Peace brother.
spencer-i won't pretend to know what you are going through, but one of many sayings we had in the marines when things started to suck-reach down and grab ahold! or you can say what napoleon said at the battle of waterloo..."f%@# those motherf&%*#!s.
freer
...a while after i posted, i went out for a few hours in the dirt on the cross-bike & i was thinking of you, sir...
...i realized the one thing you need & can't yet create is that beautiful & healthy dose of adrenaline & endorphins that comes w/ a good bike ride (or run or whatever)...that would go such a long way towards making you feel so much better...
...there's no substitute for it & yet at this point you can only live vicariously through your friends mentioning their miles...& while you've proven to have such great depth to your character as to be able you appreciate that, well again, it's a poor substitute for the real thing...
...just WIN, spencer & know that every one of us can't help but carry you on our rides...
...as i said, love ya like a brother...
Spenceee- What the hell do I know, but in my experience, sometimes it's good to just acknowledge and honor what IS- that life just SUCKS sometimes. In the face of it, keep diving deeper into it, which can be the first step toward acceptance than change- because you have to acknowledge it before anything can change. Wish I could take some of this burden from you. Please keep sharing the truth. It's good to know how you are doing- both good and bad. xoxoaideelady
Love you fratello and F#@%! cancer.
pantani
I'm sorry you're having an "ishy" time...some days you're the "Viking" and some days, the "pillaged" and that's how it goes..uff da! We thank you for the kind words of graditude on your blog about us..we never considered any other course of action but to help out where and when we could...and we continue to be "on call"...we love you lots! Nana and Papa
love you spence, hope you're feeling better.
xoxoH
spencer-blog us, baby-give it to us. i love reading your posts,
freer
Hi Spence, not much I can say, things change from day to day, but frankly I have been finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other one lately and I am not even sick or recovering from being sick. I guess we just have to keep plugging away at it anyway. Thank you for letting us into your life, love and family.
love katie
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